mommy madness

I used to be a nice person. I enjoyed interesting encounters with strangers. I had loads of time to reflect and observe. These days my abilities to observe others and interact with patience are greatly compromised. I lost it the other day with a total stranger. I am almost embarressed to write about it but the extreamity of my emotional outburst is almost comical.....and so...I have decided to share. I pulled into a parking spot at City Market only to discover that the spot was smaller than aticipated (because car on the left was oddly parked) Car on the right contained an older woman reading the newspaper with her windows down. Why she was taking a spot to read the paper in an overly crowded lot I am not sure of. Anyway, Lukas' door was next to her car. I guess you see where this is going. I squeezed out my side and opened his door carefully. He was squirming and resisting getting out. It was hot and Julien was fussing and I didn't have much patience for his games. "Come on Lukas. You need to get out now. Be careful. We don't have much...." too late. He tapped the car next to us. Notice I use the word "tap". This is important.
It truly was a tap. No mark was left. The woman looked back at us and so I said louder. "Lukas you need to come out now and be careful there isn't much space here. You have to squeeze."
Tap. He tapped it again. "Lukas, if you can't be careful you are going to need to...." Tap.
The woman turned around. "Gosh, will you stop banging my car."
I should have said sorry. I should have said that I was doing my best...that I am tired and he is 4. Instead I chose not to look at her and to say "We didn't bang your car."
"You did. I heard you."
Now I was boiling and irrational. Couldn't she see what I was doing? Where was her compassion? So I did it. I said the thing I was thinking without any measure of self control. I looked her right in the eye and said in a voice spiked with irritation. I said
"Do you have any children?"
Her response was a bit dissapointing. "Yes. I have five."
"That's great. I think that is amazing. And then maybe you might understand the situation I am in."
Now she let loose with me. "You young mothers think you are gods gift to the planet."
My jaw dropped. "What?! I do not think that. You could speak with me in a kind way.!"
I said in my most unkind and cranky voice.
"I have five children and I managed."
At this point I grabbed Lukas....who was not really interested in any of these aggressive mommy displays....or another possible disturbing thought....perhaps he is used to them.
I said to him as I crammed him back in the car. "Come on Lukas. I guess there isn't enough space for us here. Let's find another spot and muttered something else about compassion and kindness to the woman and backed out. After re-parking the car I took a breath and decided that for Lukas and for my own sense of serenity I should go and apologize to the woman. Unfortunately she was just backing out as we approached her car and I couldn't stop her because someone was waiting for her spot. Without resolution all I can hear in my head now is "You young mothers think you are gods gift to this planet." I hear my own angry voice. I realize how far I have gone over the edge of appropriate social behavior. I suddenly understand all those odd irrational adults that I encountered in my early 20s. The weird and aggressive people I waited on or allowed to sneak past me in lines at coffee shops. The people who yell out of car windows when someone absent mindedly cuts them off. Underneath they are good people. I am a good person. I just lost it. We all lose it sometimes. I have become an adult....a real adult who is so deprived of space to reflect and collect myself that I lash out. I spend my entire day with two people. I spend all my time with people who are little sociopaths. They don't know how to behave. I am supposed to teach them. I need to always be calm and patient and grown up. I can't lash out at them. So when the moment gets tense beware you strangers in the lots....at the stores....on the sidewalks....at the playground....mommy madness is not to be tangled with.