growing.....

Lukas is 5 years old. I look at him and cannot believe what a person he is. He will remember this time now. These experiences are the imprints of his childhood memories. He is a boy now. He has freckles across his nose and shoots of blonde and now brown hair. He is tall and wirey. I don't feel as free to snuggle him at will. I have to ask already and sometimes he shrugs me off. When I reflect on all the changes that have taken place to his body and mind and person in the last 5 years I am literally awe struck. I am blown away. I look at Julien. He is not even two years old and he now runs about and understand language and has clear wants and speaks words. He says "don't" and "wait" and loves his little baby kitty who he calls "mee mee".
Have I changed this much in the last 5 years? Do I continue to grow in imperceptible ways as well? I often feel that my growing is done. It certainly is not as obvious in me as it is in Lukas or Julien. However, as I look back on life before becoming a mother....who I was and how I saw the world..how I related to time....how things revolved around me and my wants and needs and how much things have shifted....I would say that I have grown as much as these boys. Growing is beautiful. It is what life is about. It is also quite hard. As we grow we shed the old. We have to let go in order to change. I watch Lukas struggle with this already. He sometimes acts as if he is younger or says he wants to be a baby again. I can feel how this raising children is a constant lesson in letting go. They just keep changing and we have to keep changing with them. I keep thinking I will settle into a rhythm but the rhythm is an evolving one and I can only keep my own steady beat beneath the explosion of sound.