no bombs

Back from Florida. "Bye Bye summer." Lukas said as we flew away. "Bye Bye swimming and leaves." The plane ride was challenged by Lukas' clogged and painful ear and Julian's obsession with nursing. Julian wants to nurse all the time. I cannot pick him up without him wanting to nurse.....even if he just nursed for 15 minutes. He wants to do it again. Why? Is he hungry? Does he not know how to cuddle or soothe or slow down? Latley I am in an examining my children's behavior phase. I keep seeing how what I have done may have caused whatever challening behavior they are having...how Julian is being wild and crazy, throwing toys in the trash and trying to flush our measuring cups down the toilet because I didn't give him enough attention and he wants me to notice him or Lukas is laying around on the kitchen floor sucking his thumb because I gave him too much attention and he doesn't know how to entertain himself....or because he watched too many shows....or whatever. It's all my fault. I know this is a dangerous track of self masochism and useless flagilation....it is also somehow labeling where they are at as "bad". I know. I know. It is just so hard to feel so darn responsible all the time. It is hard to make chioces about the lives of these little people when they are still unraveling before me. I know what I would like but I still can't tell what makes sense for them. I don't totally know they yet. My friends tell me that Lukas is probably meditating on the floor, dreaming with the sages.....so why do I worry that he should be painting or doing puzzles....why do I get so invested in what he is doing. He is five! If I am invested now...if I start out this way and don't kick that one in butt how will I not be deeply invested when they grow up? I always thought I wouldn't worry what my kids grow up to be....I will be happy with whatever they do....but what if they grow up to be apathetic....don't love things with passion or feel excited about things....what if they grow up and don't feel happy or free? What if they grow up and feel bound by duty or restrained? What if they grow up and don't know how to say what they want or articulate their feelings? Please help me make the right choices for them....until they can make the choices themselves....help me decide.....their education...their activities....the location of their home....all factors in the formation of these little people....all choices I am making....and with so many emotions errupting and exploding all around me all day long it is hard to stay clear enough to make these choices.

Yesterday Lukas had a friend over and we mama's were in the living room talking when Lukas came in with a poster he had made and casually said "where can I hang my no bombs poster?" "Which room to you think needs it most?" I responded.
"The living room." He replied matter of factly.
I think he is right. Some days I wish we had no bombs posters in all the rooms. We could use a little more peace around here.