control

I feel like I am spinning on this wheel of doing.....wake up and make breakfast, clean up, do laundry, empty dishwasher, dress boys, brush teeth of boys, pack bags, unpack bags.....and I never get past the surface....I am always treading water. I can't get to the projects....to the long term tasks.....to do exercise.....to anything but responding to needs and keeping chaos at bay. It wears me out. Some days I get in a little extra for me or a little extra for the house or my work.....but most days I just manage to keep us all on track. Especially as I try to homeschool now....and try to potty train Julien. I need to sit with Julien by the toilet as he attempts to master the exciting skill of pooping on the potty. I also need to sit with Lukas at the table as he tackles workbooks and projects. I used to clean the kitchen before attempting these feats. Now I hold off and clean it when Lukas is at school and Julien is napping. That means less time for work or projects or yoga or whatever. I know this time is short....and in the moment I really enjoy being with my boys. I really love watching them learn and grow and play. I feel blessed to be so much a part of it. It is just hard to find the balance and I feel like there is always something that I am not able to get to.
Today, while I took 10 minutes to do some yoga on the porch, I hung upsidedown and thought about what it felt like to be "me". What was this "me" that I was so missing. I realized that what I was really missing was the sense that I knew where I was....had the ground underneath me.....had all the balls in check....yoga, body, food, journal, reflection time, artistic ventures underway, connecting moments with friends and partners and family, connecting moments with nature. There was a time when I could stay on top of all of that. Right now it is very well possible that I am just fine....just me under all this chaos and rush and race.....but I don't have time to really check in and see. I have to just bumble along and trust that things are aligned correctly inside....and if they are not, well, they will be again. I have to really let go of control. Somehow, it feels that the biggest lesson that parenting is going to teach me is how to let go of control....to accept that I cannot and do not control everything. It's like that famous quote goes.....I think something like this...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."