joyful parenting

I realized that I sort of left any blog readers of mine with a real cliff hanger last time. Lukas is fine. We don’t know what the mystery ailment was but it was probably his teeth. So, there you go, resolution.
We spent the last week in Florida. It was beautiful and warm and Lukas dug holes in the sand and filled buckets. It was the perfect little kid at the beach picture. I made castles and butterfly drawings out of shells and Lukas chased birds and stared skeptically at the ocean. He learned at least a dozen new words this week. He says water and bird. He can say alligator! He says road and wet and bunny and his favorite new words are chips and t.v. (this gives you an idea about what his vacation was like)
It is amazing to see him grow and develop. He changes so much in just one week. But I can’t deny that it is hard to return to this home….these patterns and rhythms that are carved deep into my skin. Wake up, make Lukas’ breakfast, clean him, tidy and tidy and tidy and sweep and sweep and still he pulls things out and covers the house in kiddie clutter. By the end of the day I haven’t really done anything but try to maintain some sense of order. While he learns new words he also begins to quite clearly state his opinion. He wants up and down and to eat dates and go outside and run in the road giggling. It helps though that at least the weather is beautiful, sunny, summer like. Still I find it a bit empty to return to my life after this vacation and see again that my life is not exactly my own.
In an attempt to get out into the world, I packed Lukas up and headed off to the “joyful parenting meeting” at the UU Church. I could use some joyful parents around me this morning and so off we went bright and early. We arrived right on time ready for some cheer….but nobody showed up. There I was, one solitary not so joyful parent. Where have all the joyful parents gone? But we made the best of it. We wandered church street and drank coffee (I drank the coffee, not Lukas) and went to the library and grocery store. We visited our winter haunts and found some new summer scenes to explore.
Somehow all of this getting out with the baby and going to playgroups and everything felt novel before. Believe it or not it was exciting to see us sitting at some library listening to an aged guitarist singing “the wheels on the bus go round and round”. We were somehow completing the image of mommy and baby that I had for myself. I had the Tupperware with the cheerios. I had the extra pair of pants packed. I had the sippy cup of apple juice. I was doing the mom thing. But I think that the novelty is wearing off. It’s getting a bit old. I’m not sure what the next phase is. I know that Lukas keeps changing and that before I know it this brief time in our relationship will pass and never return. I try to remind myself of that but still….I feel who I was slipping further and further from me and it is hard to find time to explore that which I am becoming. It is just happening to me. I am changing as I am in constant relationship with another strong and fast growing person. Maybe I need to find my own mom thing...one that doesn't fill some picture. Joyful parenting isn't always found in a group or meeting. I know that.