real work

It’s been ages since I have written. But there was Christmas and New Years and then I went back to work. I was directing a show at the Waldorf School. Life has been so full these days. It’s amazing to remember the days this past fall…sitting in my chair for hours listening to the radio and breastfeeding. Taking walks with Lukas to the river, to the coffee shop. It was such a mild autumn and now it is so frigid. It’s almost February and my students play only lasts for 2 more days. I don’t have to go in tomorrow or Thursday so I have so much more time now. I will miss the fast pace. Life has been busy, exciting. Lukas has come with me to the school. I love to see him with the kids, to be part of that community. I love seeing Lukas in the theatre, on the set, staring at the lights. I breastfed him today while sitting at the light board watching for cues. How will it be to go back to a life where I pass the day with chores and errands, soft and tender moments with my son mixed in with domestic duty? I just had to say no to 3 weeks of work this summer. After paying for childcare it just doesn’t work financially and so I don my apron and get ready to wear the stay at home badge. I like to work. I like the way it makes me feel to work. I feel like I am a part of things. But I love my son and I want him to have proper care. I don’t want to be away from him for 8 hours a day. I don’t want to leave him with strangers. Welcome to the new pull of motherhood…the split focus, the balancing act. I can no longer do what I could, not in the ways that I am used to. I learn that again and again in new ways.