working

Jorg had to work late yesterday and so Lukas and Julien and I went to a friends for dinner. I was driving over during the after work rush hour. People were so aggressive on the interstate. Cutting eachother off, tailgating, speeding to get home and enjoy the last of the summer sunlight. I didn't feel that I was a part of this race. I wasn't in a hurry to get back home to relax after work. I wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. I don't leave work. My evening isn't really any different than my morning or my day or my weekend for that matter. It is all about me and my boys and taking care of them....and trying to take care of myself at the same time. My life is my work. It isn't easy these days. It's exhausting. Sometimes as I am nursing Julien to sleep for the night I play the day over in my head and cannot believe how many things we did..how much racing and rushing there was...how many tears and messes and cuddles and adventures each day holds. Yesterday I woke up and walked into the kitchen where Lukas was wanting breakfast and I was hungry and Julien was babbling on the floor and I turned and walked out. I went to the livingroom and sat down and cried. I cried because I didn't think I could do it. I wasn't sure if I had a whole day's worth of energy for them. Then I wiped away the tears and went to the kitchen and started breakfast and the day went on and we all survived. We did better than survive...dinner was made and the outside pool filled and friends came over and stories were read. We had a great day. While life is full and challenging and the work is non stop (24/7 my mother has always said) I like it. It is the most meaningful and important work I can do in my life. I'm glad not to be a part of the mad race to get home after work. I am thankful not to have to segment my life right now...not to draw a line between my time and my work time. I am working. I'm working harder than I have ever worked in my life.....this is the most physically, emotionally, psychologically challenging job I have ever done....but it is mine. It is my job to shape and fill. It is my role to step into. These are my boys ... and I love them.

the fifth trimester?

When I was pregnant my friends organized a blessingway for me in order to support me during the birth of little Julien. There were all sorts of beautiful ritualized activites to help me let go of fears and envision a positive healthy labor. At the end of the ritual we stood in a circle and tossed a lavendar string to one another which we wrapped around our wrists. This tossing formed a literal and figurative web of connection between the 9 women present. My friend Shana then told the group that we were all to leave the string on our wrists until the baby was born so that we could keep this connection. Now you should know that this was about 10 weeks before my due date. I laughed. I honestly thought she was kidding. ( I don't think she appreciated my disbelief.) I immediatly told everyone that they didn't have to leave this on. I would understand. I mean, no one would want to leave this silly little purple string on their wrists for 10 weeks or more.
Mine is still on.
I can't take it off. This "silly little string" has taken on great signifigance. After Julien was born I was so busy that I just left it there. Then, during one cloudy early morning exhausted shower I looked down and saw my shabby, faded purple string and I almost cried. I thought of all those women standing in that circle supporting me before Julien was even born. Back when my tummy was tight with anticipation and my world spun around only one child. It was then that I made a concious choice to leave the string on until Julien was 3 months old. Many people call the first 3 months of a childs life the fourth trimester. So, I decided that I needed the string until I made it through this final stage.
Tommorow Julien will be 3 months old. I can't believe it. He holds his head up now. He rolled over once...though Jorg insists the grass was a bit slanted....I say it still counts. He coos and babbles and he stares at me with such adoration. And I think he is trying to laugh. We had a laughing session today with each other that lasted at least 5 minutes. I love him. I truly love him. But I am not sure if I am ready to cut the string. This string is my last connection to the pregnancy...to the labor. I believe that Julien will be my last baby. I won't be pregnant again. I won't go through labor. While I did not enjoy pregnancy I do acknowledge that it was a special time. Somehow now that our family is complete I feel a chapter end and this little purple string is my last window into that chapter. I tied it on when I was still deeply entrenched in another reality. Now my world has greatly changed. So tommorow we shall see. Will I be able to cut it off....or maybe there is a 5th trimester after all?

out

Last night I took my first bike ride since Julien was born...since last summer. It was amazing. Lukas was in the trailer. I got him ready for bed and then packed him into the bike trailer with a pillow and rode off into the sunset...literally. As I was peacefully peddling along I thought "I have breast milk, spit up and ketchup on my shirt. I haven't showered or washed my hair in days. I think I am leaking urine and my arches are collapsing but I don't care. I am out. I am out in this stillness. Just me and the quiet night and the rhythmic sound of these wheels churning and pressing on.

domestic dizzy dance

It's a beautiful Saturday night in July and I am bringing my little Julien to bed at 8:00 PM. I am laying beside him watching the soft oarnge late day sun light play on the backside of our dark blue curtains. We contemplated going down town or to a playground or park. We talked about eating out on church street and getting ice cream. In the end I made spinach and cheese quesidillas cut out like stars (Lukas' suggestion....oh and one was cut out like a mushroom) and Jorg went shopping with Lukas at Shaws. This is our life these days....we are swirling inside this domestic dance. The morning spent mopping and sweeping, dusting and vacuming and in the evening we fall asleep with the kids.
This two kid world is wild. I feel like I wake up and hit the ground running. Make the food, clean it up, pack the snacks, clear the toys, hold the baby, nurse the baby, change the baby, in the car, out of the car, try to do some interesting thing with Lukas so he doens't go out of his mind. Try to do something so I don't go out of my mind. The other day I had a mini panic attack. It was so hot that my head was spinning and dizzy. I got in the car to take Lukas to a play at the library. The car felt like it had no air in it. I actually had to pull over and put my head between my legs to catch my breath. I told Lukas I had dropped something on the floor so I wouldn't alarm him. It was then that I thought I don't know if I can go on being responsible for these two little beings every day. I need a break. I literally need to catch my breath. Yet, I don't want to wish it away. I have so many precious and tender moments that I am saturated in sweet and clingy potential nostolgia. I try to cram these moments into my memory box. I stash them in corners of my cloudy mind. I can't imagine I can truly hold onto all these cuddles and conversations since I am unable to remember basic things like why I went upstairs or what appointment I had or if I took the vitamin yet or brushed my teeth. How can I remember all the clever and tender things that Lukas says if I have to write myself notes which say "put laundry in the dryer" directly after I start the washer because I know I will forget until the mildew smell crawls up the stairs of the basement. Or when I have to go and see if my toothbrush is wet to know if I brushed yet. Or when I ask where my keys are only to realize that they are already in the ignition of the car. Oh well, if I can't remember then I guess I will just have to be here. I will have to really be in this moment with all its messy, frantic, imperfect edges. Despite its richness the cake just won't last. So eat it now. Eat it up. Gorge until your dizzy head can't take any more. I guess that is the only way.