Joy

It was a beautiful fall day. Everything seems to glow yellow and the weather is unusually warm. Some days mothering feels overwhelming and messy and chaotic. Today, it didn't. Today felt satisfying and full and somehow there was a flow. Part of that was due to the fact that my mother helped out this morning with Lukas and I could go into the school for a meeting. She also allowed me to jump out to run an errand while she hung at home with the two boys. She took Lukas to the gym and he came back exhausted. I managed to get lunch for us all and make dinner for tonight and tommorow! I got laundry done and the dishwasher emptied. I clipped fingernails.....even my own! It's the little things. Lukas played outside for over 4 hours. He created projects...making a pirate steering wheel with pipe cleaners and paper and stickers.....organizing the pumpkins.....making little leaf holders involving a hole punch and toilet paper rolls....collecting worms with his friend ....he found 8 and named them all Henry...Henry 1, Henry 2, Henry 3 etc. Julien meanwhile is scooting all over the place. Yesterday he managed to work himself under a chair at my mothers house and then he rolled over and landed on one of the legs and had a good cry....poor boy. He is full of energy, despite his lack of sleep. He doesn't nap! He naps for about 3 30 minute naps and then crashes at 6:30. I love him. He is so full of smiles and life. He and Lukas adore each other. He lights up when Lukas comes in a room and Lukas seeks him out to cuddle, play with and entertain. They are so beautiful. Yesterday I chose the angel card "Joy" from my mothers deck and today I feel it. I really feel it.

monkeys

Everyone is out for a walk. Jorg, his parents, Julien and Lukas. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I feel like sleeping and crying both at the same time. I feel the emptiness of the house in a hollow and lonley way. Last night Lukas was jumping on the bed and his foot got caught in the blankets. He fell with full force on his face. He split his lip and has 4 stitches now. He was really brave. At least that is what Jorg said. I wasn't there. I stayed home with Julien and Jorg's mother and waited the painful 5 and a half hours until Lukas returned. In that time I thought about a lot of things. I thought about how Lukas had tried all afternoon to get my attention. He followed me around the kitchen. He cried when I didn't let him in the bathroom with me and hit the door. He was trying to put on a show for me when he fell. I was changing a diaper and annoyed by Lukas' wild and rowdy behavior. I turned around just in time to see his face make contact with our hard wood floor. Blood rushed out as I evenly called for Jorg, who happened to be working from home, to come with a cloth. It was clear that the cut was too deep for us to care for it and within minutes Jorg and his father were off with Lukas and Annemarie and I sat anxiously doing odd projects and attempting conversation. I cried and lay awake last night not because I was worried that Lukas wouldn't be o.k. but because I was once again reminded how fragile these little boys are. I was reminded of the emmense responsibility that Jorg and I have taken on. I often worry about something happening to me and my not being able to care for these boys but the thought that something could happen to them. That thought is more overwhelming that anything. Lukas tries to smile at me this morning and show me his spider man sticker that he got at the hospital. It hurts him a bit to smile. His lip is so fat and red/blue and the stitches pull a bit. He is crying easily all morning and all I want to do is sleep and cry with him. I almost joined everyone on the walk. I didn't want to be away from my boys. I didn't want to miss a moment to protect and nurture my little ones...but I know that I will be a better mommy if I take a bit of space....cry a little....fall down. I cuddled Julien all night and wished hard for his safe journey through this life. There is only so much that I can do to protect them. Life is full of sharp corners.....but from now on....."no more monkeys jumping on the bed!"

time passing

Yesterday I went through all our pictures since Julien’s birth. We were hoping to print a few copies to give away and put in an album. I was amazed by how much he has changed and how fast it has gone. He is sitting up now. He smiles so easily and laughs when I tickle him or kiss his cheek. He beams at Lukas. He is totally in love with him and Lukas is such a sweet big brother. He tries to comfort Julien and loves to lie beside him on the kitchen floor just watching his face. Julien is eating some food now although he doesn’t love it. He nurses constantly. He nurses every two hours round the clock. It wears me out and I’m starving all the time. Yet I feel totally in love and beautifully grateful. The awareness that things will change and are changing all the time keeps me savoring each moment. While it isn’t easy it is all temporary. Something about having children makes the passage of time tangible. I see myself aging in their undeniable growth. It is impossible to ignore the fact that 4 years has passed when you look at Lukas. He is a young boy now. He asks for privacy when he goes to the bathroom. He articulates feelings. Like this morning when he said that he was sad that Jorg was no longer a little boy but a grown up now. He was sad Jorgs mama and papa lived so far away and he thought papa was sad too. He was sad that everyone in papa’s family was so far away. He thought papa missed them. He then asked for privacy in the bathroom so that he could make a poopee. While time is ticking by as my baby gains hair and Lukas grapples with new concepts it still seems like a blurry eternity ago that Julien couldn’t hold his head up or that he was a little wrinkled bean all fresh from months in water….a pickled fish with wide eyes and grasping open hands. He is a little person now and the last five and a half months have been precious, desperate, exhausted and full of a love. Love that expands into everything….bleeds into my daily life in a way that makes me want to grasp on…stop time…hold this soft and squirming moment in deep stillness. Oh but life is not still at all. In fact….my little baby has now awakened. Time to go up to him….to hold him again and be reminded why all sleep loss….all worried fatigue is worth it …reminded by just one little toothless smile.