Julien quote:

He leans over and whispers:  "Mama, the darkness is a secret.  It is like an umbrella."

mountains to climb

I took Lukas and a friend hiking today.  It was such fun to spend time with these children.  These people with such a different perspective on life.  Mostly, they dawdled away at rivers, collecting sticks and looking under rocks.  They were not goal oriented but whenever I reminded them of the prize, getting to the top, they hustled themselves up and skipped along with determination. Snake mountain, a hike that usually should take 2 hours lasted over 4!  With 4 snack breaks and many distractions we made our way up and down.  As we neared the end of the hike I found myself in the lead.  Behind me I could hear their voices small and filled with enthusiasm talking about their magic powers and who could freeze who and who could turn the tree to stone and on and on.  I looked up and felt such gratitude.  How could I have a boy who is old enough to adventure with friends, to have a private world that he can only explore and revel in with peers?  I had planned this day to be a Lukas and me day.  I thought we would take a mommy and son hike.  The opportunity to invite a friend came up and when Lukas heard this he lit up with glee.  I told him no at first.  We drove 15 minutes towards the mountain with him quietly staring out the window, resigned to my adult power and control, when I said " You really wanted your friend to come didn't you?" "Yes." he said quietly.  I took a deep breath and sighed and said "Let's go get him."  Lukas began talking and planning and singing and all sorts of things.  I want to be with him.  I love being with him.  I love being with him when he is happy.  And it was fun!  We talked of their baby years and my child years and my memories of my brother.
Lukas is so into hearing about my childhood memories.  We talked about magic.  We talked about telling the truth and trust.  We talked about all sorts of things.  The boys laughed.  They laughed so hard on the way home that Lukas couldn't breathe!  I did learn that if I ever want to be a stand up comic for 6 year old boys I really only need this as my repertoire "poop butt doo doo penis diarrhea boob head soda bottle up your bum."  Done.
Julien had an eventful day as well.  Today was his full day at the schoolhouse which is what prompted a hike that would be too big for him.  He had his own mountains to climb however because today for the first time in schoolhouse history a child in story time pulled the fire alarm and caused all the kids to go outside and the fire trucks to come.  Yes, this child was Julien.  I think it scared him and excited him all at the same time.  He told me about it right when I came in.  At first he simply said that there was a fire drill and fire trucks came and firemen were there.  When papa prompted him to explain the rest he had a slight smirk and said that he pulled the alarm.  Then he hugged me.  All in a day.

Learning how to add photos!

These are all old photo's but wahoo....finally I will add some.  Promise.  Last Springs pictures are better than none!                     

Home for Sale

The ball has begun to roll on the sale of our home.  Jorg bought the signs.  We have boxed things up.  We have met the bank and a lawyer.  We moved into this house when I was 7 months pregnant with Lukas.  I have memories of lying on the bed after working all day feeling Lukas move in my belly as I stared out the window.  (The days of pre-children when we lie on the bed during the day and just rest!)  I cut apples at the kitchen counter while Jorg created a spread sheet to map out the contractions.  I labored upstairs in my room with Lukas and labored on the stairs with Julien.  I have raised my boys in this home and now they are bursting at the seams.  Toys falling out of shelves and books stacked along the walls, beds side by side as they echo each others breathing all night long. 
How could 7 years have slipped by?  What will this next house hold?

Lukas came with us to look at houses over the weekend.  Julien was asleep in the car.  While exploring one sweet little house he stopped and touched the door.  "This door feels really light.  Isn't light Mama?"  He said.  Later he commented that the house felt cold.  The floors were cold.  While we were in the kitchen he said that it smelled different.  "A good smell or a bad smell?"  Laughed the woman showing us the house nervously.  "It smells like maple."  Lukas said, steering clear of value judgments.  In church on Sunday I explained the Joys and Concerns book to Lukas.  I asked him if he wanted to write anything in the book that he was happy or worried about.  He said "I'm kind of worried about moving."  "I am too Lukas."  I said back.  I haven't found the right moment to ask him what exactly he is worried about.  I know what I am worried about.  I am worried about letting go of the last seven years.  While I know that time passes regardless of where I live, I somehow feel that byliving in this space I am closer to those memories.  I am reminded of past moments simply by watching the ice patterns form on the same window year after year.  I can recall standing at that window holding a 4 month old Lukas as the sun set on a January day in the quiet of my home simply watching the light reflect on the ice patterns.  When the street cleaner passes our house I remember Lukas screaming with joy and excitement and running to the window to see it.  I remember the tears if he didn't make it in time. I want to hold on to all these slipping sliding moments.  The popcorn on the lawn in the summer, the Easter egg hunts, the Christmas eve gatherings, the parades we watched from the front porch, the seemingly eventless days of crafting and snacks and Lukas lying on a pillow on the kitchen floor watching the tiles on our ceiling, the sweet bath the boys took tonight. I listened to them playing and singing and talking as I folded the clothes in the room next door.  Change.  Change is the only constant.

Julien

Julien is evolving daily into such a character....such a personality.  It is fascinating to watch children learn things like pride and jealousy and attachments.  He is so excited by little things like his new fireman rain coat and hat that he wants to show everyone.  He tells strangers about his birthday.  He stops people on walkways to show them his bike.  He tells me at least a dozen times a day that he loves me.  I think he does this because yes, he does love me, but also because he wants me to say that I love him back.  In fact, if I do not say it then he repeats over and over again "Love you mama" in his deep, matter of fact way, until I reply saying that I love him too.  He then responds again in his deep and important way "I know Mama.  I know that.  Come, let's go play with the divers.  Come Mama, come."  If I don't come he moans like a teenager "Aaaaaawe mama, why do you always have to do that."  Why do you always have to eat breakfast, fold clothes, sweep, whatever it is I may be doing.
We went to the dentist the other day and there was a Kermit the frog hanging from the light above the dentist seat.  He asked me what it was for.  I said it was there to help the dentist.  I didn't notice that he was watching the frog intently from that point on.  After Lukas' teeth were cleaned Julien said "The frog didn't do anything.  It didn't help at all."  I said "It helped make Lukas feel better.  It kept him company."  "But it didn't do anything.  It just hung there."  The dentist came over and Julien told the dentist how the frog didn't help at all.  He also told the dentist that he didn't need to lower Lukas back in the chair, "the woman already did that.  Lukie is done." 

witchy woman

I should have known what sort of day it would be when I woke to Julien peeing on my slippers.  As I cleaned up the mess he managed to find the swimming goggles and climb up on the diaper changing table.  I turned around to see him seated neatly on top of the table with blue goggles on.  His response to my long explanation of why we do not pee on the floor was "I'm a diver mama". 

I was a mean mama tonight.  I came home hungry and cranky and not in the mood for people having so many needs and interrupting me so much and peeing for the third time on the floor!  

BUT....we did have many nice moments.  Julien and I had a cozy time at home this morning while Lukas was at school.  Lukas came home and we all at lunch and then the boys quietly played upstairs for 45 minutes!  I made soup.  We then went and got a free ice cream at Ben and Jerry's and met friends.  Afterwards we drove to Rockpoint and Lukas had his Crows Path nature class and Julien and I walked through the woods and to the beach.  I just came home and wanted to check out and meet my needs and it was not possible. 

Rule number one as mama....never, ever, if you can manage it deplete yourself. 

when you're gone....

I am going on my first overnight without Julien and my longest stretch away from Lukas since he went to Germany.  That's right.  I am traveling to a romantic and cozy Inn located in Randolph, Vermont.....with 16 high school students.  Hmmmmm, not quite the first get away I might have imagined but ah well. 
Lukas was so sweet tonight.  He was following me around all wound up and silly and saying "I just can't let you out of my sight tonight because your going away."  He sang me the song from my show "When you're gone, when you're gone, I'm going to miss you when you're gone. I'm gonna miss you by your hair, I'm gonna miss you everywhere, oh you know I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.  He took a long time falling asleep.  I rubbed his back and scratched his head and sang to him.  As I crept out of his bed he called out "mama?"  "yes Lukas."  I replied.  "I just wanted to make sure that you were still there."  "I'm here." I said.   "Sometimes, at night, I say mama, just to make sure that you are there." (pause, I return to the bed and scratch his back again) "And sometimes during the day I say Mama because I want to know where you are.  I say it just to know." 
"I love you Lukas."  I say.  "Me too."  He replies and shortly thereafter he falls asleep.
Julien just said "I think we are going to have to wait for you.  We are just going to have to wait until you come back." 
"You're right Julien."
I love them.