reckless uncertainty

Lukas is in the bath. I watch him sit naked and vulnerable as the tub fills with fresh water fit for drinking. I think of other mothers across the globe living in difficult conditions where they must wash their children in muddied or polluted rivers. I think of places where mothers carry water miles from a far off well and build a fire to boil the water for their children’s baths. I think of all the fears and anxiety that must arise when raising a child in such a harsh and challenging environment. How must it be to raise a child in a war zone where there may be no access to clean water? As I watch my chubby and rosy little boy race boats and dinosaurs through the bubbles I become quite certain that it is not a coincidence that in places such as this there is often a strong faith or religious practice present. It would be impossible to survive thinking that it was either all up to me as a mother to protect my child or that it was simply left up to chance. Somehow it would be a relief to have the responsibility not solely in my hands. With so much instability in my environment there would be much comfort placing my child in the hands of god. As I rub soap on my boy’s soft white hair it occurs to me that it is a kind of luxury to be able to question god.

compressed

I’m bringing Lukas to bed. He is quiet in the dark next to me. I have some space to dream and so I look down at my belly and imagine the baby inside. I imagine his shape and how he is tucked into me. He is so big now. A stray foot keeps poking out the right side and I have to guide it back in. His back rises on the left now and I massage it gently down. How can there be space enough for this baby and for all that once occupied my belly? What has become of all those organs? How can they function properly in such cramped quarters?
Today I had an emotional melt down on the front porch of my friend’s house. There was no real reason except that I felt overcome with feelings. I sat on her porch in the large Adirondack chairs and watched the snow quietly fall. I could hear the party happening inside. There was laughing and the sounds of kids squealing and the rumble and murmur of upbeat conversation. I felt like I just wanted to stay outside and sit in my sobs. It felt so good to have some space where I could crash down in. Jorg was back from his trip. Friends were nearby. Lukas was in good hands and so I just sobbed until there was a bit of peace and a glimpse of me….a small window into my own private still pond inside. As I looked down at the lump that my belly had become I realized that, just as my organs have been pushed and pressed upon, so has my being. Parts of me have been crowded and compressed by these growing small children. And somehow I still function. Somehow I am still able to survive. Amazingly enough we mothers can mold our bodies into soft nests where life is created and formed and our beings inevitably follow. Through many shifts and bends we make space. There is no choice but to make space and feel the rush and clamor of new life flooding in.

unrealistic expectations

Lukas and I are alone for 5 days. Jorg had to go away for work. Why they insist on sending him away when Lukas is an infant or when I am 8 months pregnant I don’t know. I decided that Lukas and I should have a date this past Sunday. I had a perfect plan. We would go do the video store and he could choose a movie. We would come home and eat a yummy dinner including his favorite foods….salmon, French fries and peas with butter. We would get ready for bed together and settle in for a cozy and cuddly sleep. Lukas had his own ideas. He whined at the video store. He wanted a new movie every 3 minutes. I wanted to rent Beauty and the Beast but he chose Stuart Little, which was better than the creepy robot movie he almost insisted on. We came home and he wanted to watch it right away, but that wasn’t the plan. I had to make dinner first and we had to eat and THEN watch it. That was the plan. That was my plan. He had a total tantrum. He repeated “I wanna watch the movie now.” Over and over again for literally 10 minutes and when he grew quiet I poked my head in the living room and he started up again for another 5 minutes. Finally he came into the kitchen. He wanted dessert first. He didn’t like the dinner except for the French fries. I had to feed him to get him to eat the fish and finally, after clean up, we watched the movie. It then took until about 10:30 to get him to sleep and I fell asleep with him. I guess he is just too young to date. Maybe in another year.

voting

Well, it is the last full month of being mother to only one. At least it should be the last full month. Who really knows. Today Lukas got to hear the baby’s heart beat. He then tried to talk with the baby. He asked him what his favorite color was. He watched patiently to see if the baby kicked at red, yellow, blue. The baby kicked at blue and so that was the baby’s favorite color. He also had his first chance to vote today. I explained to him what voting was. I told him that it was my chance to say what I wanted and if enough people wanted the same thing then we could make it happen. My example was if I wanted the school to have more money then I could say so. He was quiet and then said “and if I want the houses to have more toys I can vote for it.” “Right.” I said. “And if enough kids want the houses to have more toys then maybe there will be more toys in the houses. We got to the voting polls and I took a flyer for him to write with and an extra marker and we set ourselves up at a booth where we could both write. I explained what the dots were on my ballot and he watched and then carefully colored in all the letters on his flyer. I finished and told him that I was bringing my ballot up and he should come with me. He responded with much exasperation. “I’m not done mommy. There are a lot of yes’s to fill in. (he sighs) Voting is a lot of work.” After coloring in all the letters he brought his ballot proudly up to the table and gave it to the women working at the center. He turned in his pen, took my hand and walked to the door. I felt so proud of him. We voted together!