ache

O.K. so it is wearing on me. I am numb with the routine and tired of the weather and tired of complaining. I love my little one. He is growing and moving out further into the world. He is doing exactly as he should do. And what of me? I am plagued with questions about career and sacrifice and ego. I am left feeling sad that I don’t seem to have a real place in the grown up world anymore. I want to feel important. I want to earn money….not just work for child care but to earn. I want someone else to tell me that I am worth something, that what I do is worth something. I feel tired. I feel a bit bored with myself. I feel a little lonely because Jorg is working a lot these days and I want to be patient and to support him. I want some light at the end of it all….some healing super fix it salve that will come and make it all better but this is what it is right now. I want to run away, to find something that I can succeed at, a place where my ego can be affirmed and I can be told how important and great I am. But here I sit blowing bubbles with my one and half year old son and sometimes even his beautiful and perfect giggle can’t make my ache for greatness go away. This is me right now….raw and ragged….tomorrow is a new day.

words

Lukas is speaking now. It is the strangest thing to ask him a question and hear him reply. I know it is a bad analogy to say that it’s like having your dog or plant suddenly speak but somehow that is not so far off. It still shocks me when he clearly states his opinion.
It makes me wonder. Why do we speak? Why do we have this particular vocabulary? Lukas learns words like coat, hat, mittens, snow, slippery. As I watch him slowly accumulate words I start to understand more what is most important to him. We speak to be understood. We speak to express what we want and how and when we want it. Lukas can say “up” and “down”. He says “more” and “another one” (or “notha on”). He says “bye bye”. He says “no” and “fish” and “Pa Pa” and “Ma Ma”. (Ma Ma could mean me or Rosie or a cracker that he wants. I share my title.) Two days ago when we were at my brothers and he was tired and a bit disoriented he looked at me and said “home”. It was so strange. It is almost as if he had to have the absence of the place in order to learn its name. He needed to miss it, to need it so that he could name it. I think of myself struggling along, trying to find meaning in my work, in my day to day life. I try to determine what it is exactly that I am looking for. But maybe I am just missing the vocabulary or I need to invent new words. Or quite possibly it time to redefine some of the old ones.