muggy moods

It is so hot and heavy and humid. I can feel the storm wanting to break…but it doesn’t. A fly buzzes on the back porch. It seems to be the only movement outside right now. The air is so still and I feel as if my body and being have absorbed this pressure, the waiting, waiting for something to shift. Lukas was fussy all morning. Nothing was right. He wanted to be held and then put down. He was hungry and then didn’t want to eat. He was tired and sticky and hot and a bit confused…like me. I took him to the beach. It was a bit of an ordeal to lug the cooler with snacks and the beach toys and diapers and all our paraphernalia but it seemed like the best option. The neighbors weren’t home to play and I couldn’t think of anyone to call, so I gathered up my little sweaty bundle of a boy and loaded up our car. We were the first ones there and claimed the shady spot. I forgot a towel so Lukas was a sticky mass of sand and stones and water within minutes and there was nothing I could do about it but I didn’t care. He was content at last, amused, even if only for a short time. It was a bit of breath in this muggy, moody day. But I still felt weighted, lonely. As the beach began to fill with summer camps and vacationers, mommies meeting mommies and babies sharing shovels, my loneliness increased. I could hear other mommies talking about plans for the weekends and remembering past times, birthday parties and playground parades. These people had history. They weren’t just acquaintances; they were soul mates, companions, bosom friends. I wasn’t just lonely for me either. I was lonely for Lukas. He is almost two and we still have yet to find him and me buddies. Not just occasional companions but a real honest to goodness buddy. When Trina moved we really felt their absence. Lukas asked for Noah for weeks after. He would see other kids that looked like Noah and heartbreakingly run to them saying “Noah, friend.” I had no idea that he cared that much. But he did. I had no idea that I cared that much. But I did. I told Trina that she couldn’t move. She was psychologically damaging my child by doing so. But she left none the less. Sigh. Other people’s lives really don’t revolve around me after all. So here we are alone at the beach on a Wednesday morning, a fussy pair, solitary and sandy, impatient for the impending storm….waiting for something, for anything to shift.

summer days

Summer is so full. There is no space to write. Besides, I have an infected finger from a silly splinter and so it is a struggle to type. But I have the time now, so, let’s try. We just got back from a four day hiking vacation. It was so amazing. Amazing that four days could feel so long. It was beautiful and sunny every day and we just hiked and hung out by swimming holes and played together. Lukas was so much fun and it was incredible to share him with Jorg. Lukas loved hiking. He talked about the rocks and water, about the chipmunks and butterflies. He helped us search for Cairns and even put rocks on them in order to mark the path for others. He is such a person….sitting at the table with us at night having his bedtime cereal before his bath. “Mommy, careful.” He says to me as I carry him over slippery rocks. Perhaps this is because Jorg fell with him when he was in the hiking back pack. It was a steep and precarious path up Blueberry Mountain in Maine and Lukas cried when Jorg fell. It seemed that he wasn’t crying from fear as much as he was worried that Jorg was hurt. But he let us travel on and even asked to hike more,
He loves summer. Today I took him to Bolton falls and we played for 3 hours without my even realizing that time had passed. He splashed and gathered rocks and played with other kids and crazy dogs and sat and watched the wild activity at a Vermont water hole on a hot summer day. Then we came home and ate frozen berries and played with noodles and peas. I just love him. It still isn’t easy when he clings to my legs as I try to cook and he screams “mommy, mommy up!” when I am trying to have a poo on the toilet. Or when Jorg and I make a yummy vacation dinner after our hike, only to battle our baby to bed for hours and surrender to cold pesto pasta eaten in shifts. But for the most part he is a lot of fun these days and the days are soooo full. Farmers Markets and bike rides and playgrounds and rivers. I can’t imagine how Lukas will adapt to the winter. It’s lucky that it happens gradually. Nature helps to ease these transitions. Seasons, age, new babies turning slowly into toddlers. It all happens in subtle adjustments. But I know that in the depths of winter I will long for the splash of the swimming hole on a hot day. And some day when my son rides off alone in his first car I will look back longingly to the hot summers when we used to swing on the back porch and read books together. His pudgy fingers creasing the page, carelessly pressing into my chest as he learns to balance alone.