Here we go again....

I haven’t written for ages. So much is happening and I wasn’t ready to share my big news with the on line community. I am pregnant. I suppose I will have to change the name of this blog. It won’t only be about Lukas anymore. I am in my fourth month now. The first trimester was one of the hardest times ever. I was sick all the time. I threw up almost every night. I felt exhausted and nauseated from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. I was hungry and unable to eat food. It was terrible and I swore, no more children. It is such a different thing being pregnant with the second child. I don’t have much time to think about being pregnant. With Lukas I drew picture of the birth and wrote poems. I kept a journal. I went to prenatal yoga and to the gym. I took naps and read. I spoiled myself. I can only spoil myself now by napping with Lukas or by forcing Jorg to get up with Lukas every morning so I get an extra 20 minutes in bed. I feel nervous about doing it all over again. I feel very nervous. There is no romance this time. I know what is coming. I know what the last month of pregnancy is. I know what birthing a child is. I know what those first months with a newborn are like. What I don’t know is how to do all of that and care for Lukas. Lukas has been challenging me a lot lately. He is testing his boundaries. He doesn’t listen. He gives me impish looks and throws things on the floor. He runs when I try to get him in the car or get his coat on or put on his shoes. Everything is a discussion and a negotiation or it is a forced struggle. I am not sure which is more painful. I am not sure what I have to hold over his head as a consequence either. What can I do to make him get in the car but drag him to it or sit down on the ground and say “Please just do it….I am so tired and it’s cold and rainy and I just can’t chase you. It’s not funny. Please, if you love me, just get in the car,” Or maybe I should just give him chocolate chips to do it, like a friend of mine does. Sigh. Sometimes I just don’t have patience. I just run out. I can’t negotiate. I can’t explain why the road goes in different directions to him or why the cars don’t move all the time on the road or why the song on the radio is talking about people getting crazy in love. I just want a little dream space….a little private thought time. How will I care for him and for a newborn …. And maybe….just maybe for me too? Well, I’ve got a few more months to go….a few more months to sleep in the extra 20 minutes.