falling in love

It has been so very long since I have written. It seems that whenever I imagine that I might have a moment to write, I then hear a baby cry or Lukas needs something or I am just plain tired and uninspired. I guess that is the nature of this new chapter of parenthood. Still I compose entries in the car and in the shower. I have insights and revelations that I so want to capture. There are such beautiful moments and intense struggles. I ride a wave of emotions that is both a privledge and a great battle. I already feel that the last two months...eight weeks is a blur of rising in the night and packing the bags for outings and nursing and feeling dizzy with change and exhaustion. I worry that if I don't write then I will forget. It is so amazing how I fall in love with this little boy. I want to just stare into his eyes. I long for a day to just be with him and get to know him. He has begun to smile. It is such a mystery to see expression bubble out of this little person who couldn't even focus on my face several weeks ago. I am so torn between this great and tender time with him and the wild and expressive character that Lukas has become. He explodes with question upon question. "Mommy, what will you call me when I am a grown up? Will I still be Lukas when I grow up? Does Julien know that he is Julien yet? Where will I live when I grow up? What house will I live in? How do we get money mommy? Mommy, will you have another baby? How does papa get the seed inside you? What special thing do you do together to plant the seed? Can I help?" How can I answer all these questions on 5 hours of much interrupted sleep?! I am amazed by this constant hunger to know and understand and at the same time amazed by the slow unfolding of my new baby boy. I am emmersed, entrenched in motherhood. While I so love these days I am also left feeling quite vulnerable and raw. With no time to reflect and make order out of the chaos I feel spinny and groundless. I cried three times the other day within one hour just because the right (or wrong..depending how you see it) song came on the radio. I move from elation and intense joy at the beauty of life to incredible terror that somehow something will happen to me and I won't be able to care for my little boys. I have been overwhelmed by the fear that I will become ill and won't be able to watch my boys grow up. I don't know if it is hormones or lack of sleep but this fear leaves me helpless at times and at others it is the very fear that shakes me awake and causes me to really feel each precious moment. I feel the privledge that it is to spend each day, each moment, with these two little beings....with my husband....with my friends.....in the sun and rain. It is simply amazing to be alive and sometimes I don't even want to sleep because life is full of wonder and joy. It is the same intensity that happens when you fall in love. I am falling in love. I fall in love with this new little boy and then I spend the rest of my life slowly getting to know him. What an act of faith to surrender.