growing up

I have fallen in love with Julien. It is strange how bonding happens. It isn't that I didn't love him before. It's only that it has grown so much. I feel like he and I are starting to have a relationship. He can crawl to me....actually choosing to be with me... and climb up on me and nuzzle his face into my shoulder. When he drinks water from a glass he always offers me some now and smiles his little two toothed grin as he does it. He points at things that he wants now and wants everything that Lukas has. Yesterday I played hide and seek with Lukas and I was amazed when I said "where is Lukas" and Julien wiggled to get to the floor and then crawled to where Lukas was hiding giggling and crying "da. da." the whole way there.
Yesterday also marked a special occassion as our home became a theatre. Lukas (all on his own. I swear it.) wanted to put on a puppet show. So we finally brought out the homemade puppet theatre that Shana and Jason gifted and put on a show....complete with lights (by Lukas) music (by susan) props that we made and programs and tickets and a sign that we hung up saying "theatre, this way". It was so much fun and Lukas was totally excited to show papa when he came home. All he wanted to do all afternoon was practice. However, when the show was done I couldn't help but feel that he was a little sad that it was over....and that it somehow didn't meet his expectations. He wanted a bigger show somehow. But still it was amazing and special and great fun!
While I totally love my boys I am also feeling a bit frusterated these days as I try to balance work and home. It seems that I am always coming up short. I never have time to prepare properly and when I do then dinner doesn't get made or the laundry gets forgotten in the wash or I neglect some other important duty...never mind getting to do something nurturing for me....like yoga or a walk or hike...
These are precious days....totally precious and at the same time I can feel how each age....each stage lasts for just the right amount of time. I can almost feel how when they are grown up and someday head off into the world....even that might feel right. If only I could hold this sense of rightness as I myself age. Latley I look in the mirror at my sleep deprived self and see new wrinkles and lines. I look down at my hands typing and they grow to look more and more like my mothers once did...creased and cracked. It is happening. Time is leaving her mark on all of us as she passes. But what else should she do? How else should we have it?