boys

It has been ages since I last wrote. Lukas is five. I cannot believe that. I am the mother of a five year old boy. I have been writing on this blog for five years. I have gained wrinkles and birthed a second son and moved in and out of work all the while he has been growing and learning and moving out into the world.
We are in the process of hunting for a school for him. It feels like such a big decision. Do we send him to public school? There are so many things that I don't like about public school. Yes, he would be fine. Most kids are in public school and they grow up to be well adjusted people. Why is this not acceptable for my little boy. Why is my happiness and sense of contentment now so greatly linked to the choices I make for another person. Why do I feel compromised when I am not able to give him my ideals? I feel deprived when I imagine that he is.
Julien seems to have grown in the last two days. He feels heavier and looks bigger. He still will not say mama. He says Papa all the time. He points at Jorg and says Papa. He yells for him when he wakes up. He stands at the door when Jorg leaves and yells in a broken and anxious voice Papa! Papa! But he doesn't say Mama yet....ah well.
He and Lukas are in love. While they definitley adjatate each other they cannot keep away from one another. They rough house and copy and cuddle and fight. Yep, they are family and it is so beautiful to watch.