little boys thoughts

Julien has shared some interesting thoughts with me lately.  He has often come out with abstract or curious observations.   He announced the other day that he was allergic to himself.  He told several people.  Then he laughed with pride.  Tonight as we lay in his dark room and he shared his fear of waking up alone in the dark and needing Lukas there.  He also told me that a gravestone is something for when we die and that we write our names on it.  He then whispered "soon we are going to have a gravestone."  It is hard to feel slightly creeped out when your three year old whispers something like this to you in a dark room.  But I held my ground and responded "Hopefully not soon but someday we will."  "Will the house fall over on our gravestones?"  He asked.  "No."  I replied and stroked his white peach fuzz hair. 
He has been having a reoccurring dream where he finds a dead cat and then throws it in the trash.  When he throws it in a ghost appears and chases him.  The ghost has a bag on its face, so he cannot see who it is.
When I was a child I believed in ghosts and magic and all sorts of things.  The lines between what was real and what was imagined were very unclear.  At times I let myself wander into that world of child like mystery and wild possibility.  It is a beautiful and terrifying place.  It reminds me that while childhood is so very precious it is not all fairy princess' and plush bunnies.  It is a scary place where anything can happen and nothing is quite understood.  It is a place where we need a lot of faith and trust and a strong hand to hold.  Maybe when we grow up there can still be place for magic and mystery....as long as we too have a lot of faith and trust and a strong hand to hold as well.

It is now October.  Summer has passed with many adventures and challenges.  Milestones have shrunk in the distance.  We moved to a new house.  As painful as it was to leave the old house, I really love our new home.  I love making it a home and accepting that this is it.  This is where we are going to raise our children.  I am sure I will have moments where I long for the other house but what I am really longing for is the past.  Lukas will never be one again.  Julien will not be a newborn wrapped in the moby as we take evening walks.  Time is passing.  A chapter has ended. 
Lukas also went to school this fall.  The first day that he went I came home and went in the bathroom and turned the water on so that Julien would not hear me sobbing.  Why is change so incredibly painful?  I had this realization this fall, as I rode with Julien in the bike trailer.  It was a beautiful day and Julien was happy behind me in the trailer.  I was happy to be riding and I felt quite grateful for my time with just him.  As sad as I was to have Lukas go to school.  I was truly joyful to have this special one on one time with Julien.  I realized that my fear of change is somehow not trusting that there is goodness and joy in the moments to come.  It is somehow assuming that this, now, is the best it will be.  However, life has brought joys and sufferings.  It continues to do this regardless of where I live or how old my children are or what season it is.  I don't need to cling to what is.  It is so painful to do so. 
Anyway, we were talking about milestones right?  I guess I have had a few of my own this summer as well.
Summer also brought Julien going to Germany alone with Jorg for a week.  It was both strange to be without him and sweet to have time with just Lukas.  While Julien was gone Lukas and I had an amazing hike up Camels Hump.  I have dreamed of hiking this mountain with my boys since the day that I found out I was pregnant with Lukas and Jorg and I made a winter assent.  Someday, I can only hope that we will all climb the mountain together.   What I loved was Lukas' tremendous joy in hiking.  He really loved the challenge and we chatted about all sorts of things along the way.  It was like hiking with a special friend....it was truly being family together.  I felt so very, very happy. 
Lukas and I also did great bike trips together. 
Julien is bursting out with personality.   He loves telling jokes and finding humor.  He loves to dress in costumes, iron man, spider man.  He will not take off his boots.  He would wear them to sleep if we let him.  He tells me that he loves me all the time and it comes at really sweet moments.  I can tell that he means it. 
Both boys love each other.  Julien has to walk Lukas to school and Lukas has to give Julien a hug before he leaves.  I want to protect this for them.  I want to guard it.  I fear Lukas going to school.   I don't want him to learn somehow that he needs to have a thick skin and be tough.  But....he is meeting life.   This is life.  While I can try to construct it for him in the way that I want it to be.....I cannot control his experience.  Sigh. 
I just love them both so much.  That is all that I can say.