This is it. (a post that I never posted in September)

My boys were driving me crazy this afternoon.  It was a rainy Sunday and they were tired and off the wall all at the same time.  They were loud and goofy and pesty.  I so wanted a quiet and cozy house on this rainy day and it was not happening.  Julien finally passed out.  He had tried to nap at 4:30 and we pushed him through it...which was painful for all.  After he fell asleep I made a cup of tea and Lukas and I went out on the back porch to sit on the swing in the cool fresh air.  Somehow we both needed a little air.  He brought his books from school and read to me.  As we sat on the swing I thought "This is it.  This is my life.  Here I am in my house with my almost 7 year old son listening to the sound of his voice mingled with the creaking of the swing that I used to ride as a child.  This is it.  So be here." 
He cuddled in and I told him a Paco story.  He was worried that it might be scary and he didn't want to hear anything scary in the dark.  I told him about when I was little and would walk home in the dark.  I told him how I would look up at the stars and the moon and talk to them.  Up there it was not dark.  It was beautiful.  It is never dark if you look up.  The moon and the stars will always be there.  I told him a story of how Paco was afraid one night while out in his yard and he looked up and realized that there was so much beauty and brightness up there in the sky. 

After our story we were chilly and went back inside.  My head felt clearer and somehow I remembered that this is it....when the boys are wild and crazy, this is it.  This is the work.  This is where the learning happens.  This is the opportunity to meet my edge and be curious.  This is it.  It doesn't happen tomorrow or when I have a quiet second or when I take space.  This is what the training was for.  This is what all the space that I took in my twenties was for.  This is what the reflective moments in the woods were for.  This is it.  To stand in my house with kids fighting and exhausted and me trying to make dinner and to hold my seat.  Or maybe I don't hold my seat...but I go outside.  I get some air.  My boy comes with me and in the quiet and darkness I remember.  Sometimes when things feel dark and scary....we just have to remember to look up.

holding on

It is hard to fully comprehend the years that have passed since I became a mother.  I realize now how I fought so much of it.  I resented my belly growing bigger.  I was heavy and stretched and afraid.  It showed the world that I was changed.  It meant that I was no longer my twenty something self.  I was a mother.  One of my greatest fears when I was pregnant with Lukas was that my body would not go back to what it was.  Little did I know that nothing would go back to what it was.  I think that I fought the identity of mother right through my pregnancy with Julien.  The strange thing was that while I fought this new identity I completely adored being with my children.  I loved watching Lukas shift and grow.  I loved being the guardian to the world of firsts.  His first strawberry.  His first pony ride.  His first sugar on snow.  I loved the new speed that I was required to travel. (sometimes) 

Now Lukas is seven years old.  He is long and lanky and his feet are growing to be so big. I am finally at ease with this title of mother.  I am not only at ease with it I am deeply proud of what it means to be a mother.  Why does it take me so long to catch up with where I am at?

There are still so many firsts.  Tonight we had our first family movie night.  We watched The Black Stallion.  Lukas wanted to make it cozy.  He brought every pillow into the bed.  (I love that he cares about cozy and he loves having us all there)  Jorg got the heater.  Julien wanted to wear his footie pajamas.  Actually he wanted to wear 4 different pairs of footie pajamas all at once but settled for changing them throughout the movie.  (He has a pajama obsession at the moment.  It was footwear and then it was super hero costumes and now it is pajamas...or his overalls over pajamas.)  I really don't care what he wears as long as he is warm enough.  I get that it is all fleeting and changing. 

I find myself continually looking forward and looking back.  I look back longingly at the early days as they have truly passed and I look forward at the future with apprehension and uncertainty and I look at now with deep gratitude.  Walking Lukas to school.  Walking home slowly with Julien as he jumps in puddles.  Playing board games with them.  Making seasonal decorations.  Making muffins and crepes with Julien.  Reading endless books with them.  Somehow these children try to teach me that I cannot hold on to what is and that I do need to trust that what is to come offers equally beautiful gifts.  Just as I tried to hold onto my twenties in deep fear of motherhood and its strange landscape, so do I cling to their toddler years.  But there are movies to be watched and mountains to be climbed.  Just today Lukas and I were planning how we would be in a band together when he was 21.  He would play the guitar and Julien would play drums or keyboard and I would be the singer.  Who knows.  Really, who knows what it all will bring.  So, as the first snow falls and the boys snuggle in bed I just simply try to feel all this love and then let it all go again....in and out....because I just cannot hold onto it all.