alone

I just left the house alone. It is the first sunny day and Jennifer, my friend and birth team partner, is holding Lukas while grading papers. I only walked around the block but everything felt different. I felt so alone without little Lukas. I thought that I would desperatly crave such space. Not to have him at my breast wanting milk, wanting. But I felt alone. I wondered who I am in this world right now. Not a worker, not a pregnant woman, and without my baby attached I am not even a mother. It feels as if the season's have changed since I gave birth. I haven't really been out for days. Most of the leaves are off the trees and scrape along the ground around me. I pass by an old man who says good morning to me. I don't get the pregnant woman smile anymore....that look that makes me feel like a blessed gift The look I got for months. Now I am just me.....a red haired woman in a gray coat walking alone on a Friday morning in the late fall.

Lukas 11th day

Another gray day and I am housebound with my little baby. Our familiar rhythm....eat, sleep, change diapers, cry. We start with the basics. We learn together. His face changes so quickly as he sleeps. I can't help but wonder what he is thinking. Does he remember his birth? What do babies dream about? Time passes strangly.....there is no difference between day and night. We keep the rhythm. I look for changes in him. They are so small. He has a blister on his lip now. This is the first sign of life wearing on him. The first mark on his little perfect body. How will life continue to mark him? Its all I can do to stop myself from staring at him all day. Sitting in this same beige chair as the bus outside comes and goes. Life slows down with him.

Crinkly Fingers

When he first came out we noticed his crinkly fingers. It's understandable. He had spent 9 months underwater, in the dark. Welcome to the light!