the new and the old

Today Lukas witnessed the swearing in of President Barack Obama. He was mildly interested as we perched on the floor of a friend and watched history happen before us. Someday this event will be a story that I tell him and while I would have liked a more exciting story….such as a journey together to Washington or the State House or even into downtown Burlington…I decided to stop trying to create exciting stories all the time and do what I felt like doing instead. That is how we landed in the comfortable, convenient and cozy living room of a friend as I fought tears and Lukas studied squirrels out the window.
I have too much time these days. I feel guilty about it. I feel like I should be working more, making more money. I am also with Lukas a lot more which is both wonderful and challenging at times. I feel so caught in our rhythm. Today I was at the grocery store and I felt like I was in ground hog day. “Get the cheese, the milk, some fish, some carrots.” This is my life. This is what we do. Some days that rhythm is so comforting and cozy and safe. Some days I love the routine and security. Other days I feel a bit numb….somehow lost to repetition and without energy to make it exciting or sprinkle it with wise and astute observations. It is so hard to find this balance in working and being at home with my boy. I want to work. I want to make money and challenge myself and grow. I don’t want to be stressed and away from Lukas for long hours. These days I just don’t feel very productive. I make muffins for the neighbors. I take Lukas to the toddler gym. I go for walks. I am busy….but it doesn’t feel like enough somehow. I should make more money….I should use my skills and serve this world in some great capacity. I should….oh sigh….well, at least Barack is in power. He’ll fix everything right? Maybe he’ll even fix this numb, confused, work home balancing act….after all what can’t the man do?

new year

It is a new year. It’s Lukas’ third new year. Lately I have had more time for my boy. I’m not as busy as I was in the fall. We are back to making muffins together and visiting the library. The winter feels long now that Christmas and new years have passed. It is a full moon and I ache to be out in the bitter cold air walking up a mountain in the moonlight. I can’t imagine our bike rides and visits to the beaches. Summer feels so far away. But while I look ahead to the summer with anticipation I am very aware that things will change. Lukas is almost old enough to go to preschool and we are yet again faced with decisions and possible transition. Where should he go? What are we looking for? Should he stay at home? If he does go to preschool then what do I do for work while he is gone? Life will yet again change. I feel how special our time together is. I feel how fast it is changing. At the same time I feel how he has become my life. I feel how I need to define myself as something other than a mother. But he is such a good companion for me these days. He does nothing but talk. “Mommy walk on the sidewalk. Going up a hill. Going down a hill. Where we going? Why we go there?” The other day he told me that he liked my hair cut. Then he said that he like Papa’s hair cut. Then he said that he liked some people’s hair cuts but not all peoples. He is so full of thought and questions and ideas and enthusiasm. He is so relational. It is easy to make him laugh these days. He is just ready to be happy…all the time. He is ready to play. It is truly a joy to be with him. But for a person who struggles with change, a person who get attached to things, raising a child is hard. Things just keep changing. And what makes those changes so hard is that you never go back. That never is larger than any other never I have experienced. It isn’t like the never go to Paris again or never go back to college or never climb that mountain again because all those things could be done. We could decide to do those things again or we can tell ourselves that we may, someday. But I cannot go back to Lukas last summer at the beach. I can’t go back to the times when he was just learning to talk and didn’t fight me on our every transition. I can’t go back to the times when he just wanted to cuddle and be held all day. He is changing and with every change that he makes I too am forced to change. But one thing never changes, and that never is a big never too, I will never stop loving him and the love somehow miraculously continues to grow and change just as he does.