new look

This pregnancy is happening. Whether I stop and read the books or not, the baby will come. I feel so different this time. I haven’t sat and written poems about this pregnancy. I haven’t written letters to the baby to be. I haven’t even wanted to. In fact when I move to pick up a pregnancy book or search the internet for images of what the baby looks like I stop myself. I think “Not yet. Later.” I am half way through this pregnancy and I can feel the baby now. It is a tapping and tumbling feeling that won’t be ignored. Another life is brewing and I am not sure how I feel about the impending changes it will bring. I know I will love this little one. I know that I want this baby deeply. I also know that it will rock my world and send tremors through the safe routines that I have spent the last three years constructing.
I decided that it was time to shift over and attend a prenatal yoga class rather than the usual class I go to. I remember going to prenatal yoga when I was pregnant with Lukas. I went when I wasn’t even out of the first trimester. I was searching for community. I wanted mommy friends. I was so eager to align myself with the other women on this crazy journey towards a new life. I was so dreamy. I sat in the first class and felt some sort of kindred connection with all these brimming beings. When I went this past Sunday to prenatal yoga I felt a certain sense of dread as I looked around the room at all these swollen tummies. I watched women waddling to get mats and grunting as they bent down to pick up a block and tie. “Oh no, here we go again.” I thought. I am officially one of them now. There is no hiding it. We all went around and introduced ourselves and how far along we were. I felt like I was at an AA meeting. “I am on number two.” I said, acknowledging my addiction to this club of birthing beauties. I have come back for more.
I have reached the mid mark now. A decision made back before I can even remember is ripening inside me. I have always known that I wanted you little one. I cannot begin to imagine who you will be. How you will round out the imperceptible uneven corners of my existence. I must remember that already our relationship is different than the one that I have with Lukas. You will be different. This birth, this after birth, this life together will be different. I am growing with you. I am growing more and more towards you. I am growing ready for you.

fleeting times

I feel like the past few days with Lukas have been really special and somehow I want to hang on to them. They are both totally ordinary and beautifully fleeting at the same time. Yesterday our plans to meet up with friends were foiled and we were left to entertain each other. Lukas wanted to go to the pool and being the obliging mother that I am, I took him. It was a beautiful sunny morning and we walked down the hill to the indoor pool at the old Woolen Mill. Lukas was thrilled to go. He was so giddy to be naked and barefoot. He giggled and smiled so much it was impossible not to smile along with him. He loved the water and stayed in until his lips were blue and his fingers looked like little pink raisins. He was desperately curious about why his body felt different in the water. “Why do my legs feel like water mommy?” “My swimming suit sticks to me when I stand up!” “My arms feel funny when they come out of the water.” “Why can’t I touch the bottom in the deep part?” After the pool we dried up and walked to the river to have snack in the sun. Somehow just being the two of us we were able to talk more and I realized that I don’t always need an adult companion with me anymore. He is a great companion. We then went into the library where he played with puzzles by himself and I read Seven Days for almost a half an hour! After a short walk up the hill we arrived home for lunch and stories and a nap. We cuddled into each other and he said drifted off with his arm on my arm telling me that he liked to snuggle with me. I know that these times will not last. Yesterday when I was at the high school where I work a parent and I were talking about children and she told me about a dream that she had. She has three children. Two of them are out of the house and her third will be a junior in high school. In her dream they were all toddlers again. She said that it was a totally sensual dream. She could feel their hands batting at her face, their bodies climbing on her back and the weight of them sitting on her lap cuddling into her. She felt their little sandy bodies after a day at the beach. When she awoke and realized they were grown she ached for those young years. She cried. She carried that sensation of them in her arms with her all day. I know this won’t last and in the difficult moments when I lose patience it is easy to forget these tender and beautiful moments. So I just wanted to write it down. To share a simple and sweet day with my three year old son.