falling in

I thought Lukas was well enough for a bath today. It had been an entire week and I was starting to feel like an irresponsible mother. So he and I climbed the stairs to tackle the tub. He didn’t last long before he asked to get out. When he came out I wrapped him in a towel and he just fell into me. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to put his clothes on. He didn’t even want Papa to come and carry him into the bedroom to snuggle in a more comfortable location. He gave me his entire freshly washed, soapy smelling weight and I took it with gratitude. The baby in my belly felt his weight as well and began to kick and for the first time Lukas really felt it kick.
“It’s saying hello.” Said Lukas.
“I can say hello too because it can hear my voice.” “Can the baby hear you sing?” asked Lukas as his little fingers played with my finger nails.
“Yes, it can.”
“What songs did you sing to me when I was a baby?” crackled his raspy cold struck voice.
“I sang lots of songs.”
“Will you sing them to me?” Said the warm wet head pressed into my chest.
And so I did. We sat on the bathroom floor until both of my legs fell asleep and his hair was completely dry from my stroking the soft wet tufts. As I sang Hallelujah to him I felt my voice begin to break. What a ride it has been already. Just these three years together he and I. Just us discovering this new world together. This duo. How much we have been through. Loving each other, stuck together against our own will at times, trying to be independent and yet deeply connected. How much is about to change. How precious moments like this are. My little boy in my arms content simply to be held and hear the old songs.

surrender

Lukas is really sick. It is 11:00AM and he is already asleep next to me on the couch. He is moaning and whimpering a bit in his sleep and his breathing is fast. I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I imagined a big outing to the grocery store but I think that even that is too much for him. I thought of a bath but I don’t know if he is up for it. I called everyone I can think of but there isn’t anyone around to talk with. He was sick all yesterday too. Last night he woke almost every half hour crying and with a terrible cough and a fever. If I get up from the couch while he is sleeping, he whines and whimpers for me to come back and put a hand on his head or back. He doesn’t want to be alone. Even in his restless sleep he can feel that I have gone off somewhere.
We were sick in Germany too. Lukas had bronchitis and I had some sort of flu that lasted through both Christmas and New Years. It seems we are battling all the illnesses that passed us by this fall. Oh well, in a way, I would rather have them now. It is strange. The baby is due in almost 3 months. I cannot imagine that shift but these last few days without work and feeling a bit more house bound remind me of the early days with Lukas. I watch out the window. I see the time pass. I know that there are things to be done but nothing feels as important as putting my hand on Lukas’ head and letting him know that he is not alone. Very soon our one on one time will end. I’m not sure that I am really ready for that. It took me so long to feel at home in these rhythms. Morning trips to Echo or the Library or Kids Gym and afternoon naps. Nursing gave way to snack packing and sleep somehow found its way back into our lives. I’ve been reading some of my old books about establishing rhythm, nursing techniques, sleep patterns etc. It all feels so far away and familiar. All along Lukas and I have been bumbling together through new, exciting, tedious, tiring, emotional, beautiful terrain. Now there will be another child? I will love this child with the same ferocity that I have loved Lukas? I will have to divide myself between two separate sets of needs? I will still have my own needs and Jorg will have needs and our home will have needs and I hope to work? I can’t imagine it. But then I would have never imagined this. My boy at my side for hours on the couch and there is nothing more important than being here for him.