full steam ahead

There was a moment today when I was trying to get both kids in the car at the co-op and I couldn't get my key to open the door and Lukas was wandering the parking lot and Julien, who is sick beyone belief, would not stop crying and I looked at my unshowered, thrown up on, frizzy haired self in the hazy window reflection of my subaru and thought....today parenting two kids feels like being run over by a train only to peel myself off the tracks and see that the train is now backing up and headed straight for me.
Julien is sick and needy. He cried for 45 minutes today and would not be soothed. I have never actually experienced a child crying and not being soothed....by breast or cuddles or carrier or window or reflection in the mirror or water in the sink. Nothing penetrated his misery...or mine...not even Lukas could really penetrate and so then he began to cry. He wanted a snack and I couldn't get to it. He cried because we couldn't go see his cousin and I couldn't cuddle him. I felt so incapable and tired and wondered what I was thinking when I decided to become a parent. However, tonight, after a dinner that was actually quite yummy and a few rounds of Lukas' mouse game in his room and a cuddle with him before bed....I felt o.k.
But I still couldn't soothe Julien and that is hard. He is just so squirmy. He cried to be held and then I hold him and he won't let me cuddle him and he cried to be put down and then cries when I put him down. I guess he just hurts and doesn't know why. There just isn't anything that I can really do to help....and that is hard. Today....today was hard....so many days I think....this is the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. At the same time I think of all the people that have parented in much worse conditions....in much harder times....with less support and I think...why am I such a whimp...sigh....I am....I'm a parenting lightweight...I confess....once again...it is almost 9PM and I am awake and it feels like the middle of the night...gotta go to bed....round number 187 tommorow.....

simple reflections

Today I love my boys....every day I do but today I feel so full with them. My body aches and I am tired beyond belief...but I loved taking Lukas to the library today. I loved telling him stories. I love that he was soft and reflective all day long and that Julien can penetrate my heart with one steady, slow blinked, blue eyed gaze. The winter is long. The rhythm is slow. The snow is deep. But we are all in it together...for better or for worse. Friday night...8:15 and man I just gotta go to bed.

moods

"And I fear...I have nothing to give. I have so much to lose here in this place...tangled up in our embrace and there's nothing I'd like better than to feel....I have nothing to fear....I have so much to give."
Today I feel like I am on empty. No energy to choose to be positive. It is a choice you know. Somedays I can do it. Many days I just feel that way. Today I woke up too tired. I was too tired to be a good playmate with Lukas....and too distracted by Julien and the fear that he would eat Lukas' toys. He just wants me all the time these days. If I am in the room he drags himself over to me and pulls himself up on me. If I leave him in his crib he cries. If I leave him on the floor and walk away he cries. It all changed when he got really sick last week and had high a high fever for several days. What kills me is that I want to just cuddle him and not walk away ... but we all have to eat....we can't leave the house a total disaster....clothes need to be washed and dishes put away. I want to be a good playmate for Lukas. I get afraid that he will stop liking me because I'm not any fun anymore. I often tell him that when Julien naps we will do something fun but then I have one more thing I want to accomplish and another and another and Lukas waits and waits and then Julien wakes up just as we start our game. It makes me cry. I can't remember anymore what it was like when it was just me and Lukas. When he is bored he jusst whines for movies and sweets. Yesterday he had a tantrum that lasted over an hour because he wanted a movie...literally it was over an hour long...I tried everything. I held him for a while. I talked with him about it. I ignored him. I went out of the room. I got angry and then went out of the room again. I threatend him with no movies the rest of the week. I almost hit him. It drove me crazy because he was so obsessed. I wanted a child psychologist to come and help.
And I am just so tired....where does space for me come in? Where does time to work or prepare for my classes. I have auditions at the school in tommorow and I just put the phone on do not disturb and I don't want to check e-mails. I am up after the kids go to bed working and then I go to bed too late and Julien wakes me up every two hours. My body just aches....my feet hurt so badly that I have surrendered to wearing sneakers again....such is the fate of all mommys.
I was so out of myself the other day that I ground the milk cap up in our soup. I must have swept it in with carrots...it was oarnge...who knew? Yesterday I went for my orientation at Burlington College. I went through the effort to dress up and wash hair and put on matching earings...wahoo! Before I dropped Julien off at Shana's I put a tiny washcloth in my bra so I wouldn't get milk on my shirt. It wasn't until I came back to pick Julien up that I realized that I spent the entire orientation with the washcloth still in my shirt. Sigh....
It is blowing snow outside like crazy. My mother took Lukas to go swimming...thank god and Julien finally is taking his nap...after about an hour of trying to get him down. I am just sitting here staring...waiting to be interupted. Complaining is boring....but I just needed to unload....so my cyber friends.....the three of you that I think read this....thanks for listening....and maybe if you are feeling at all overwhelmed...or sad that you cannot meet the needs of all around you....maybe this will make you feel a little less alone. It just helped me to feel that way.
This too shall pass...and that too is sad. Sigh....such is the mood today.