rich life

Jorg came home on Thursday night and I insisted on heading out to do an errand. I needed to be away from people for just a half an hour. I needed to accomplish something in one simply swoop without the negotiation of needs. I went to buy shoelaces for my hiking boots...those relics to my former life. The laces have been broken for weeks and I can never manage to get some. It felt good to get out of my car at the store and just walk in...no car seats....no arms full of baby. I went in to find the store full of shoppers. All these people out by themselves just running errands. This other world. This alien long ago life where people are not putting kids to bed or cleaning up from dinner at 6:45. I got my shoelaces. I lingered by the clearance items. As I paid, I thought, this woman behind the register doesn't even know that I am a mom. Walking out to my car I imagined another life...one where I drive home to an empty apartment where I live by myself. I come in and turn on the lights and get myself dinner. I eat by myself and read magazines or books. I call people. Finally I stumble upstairs to bed alone. This thought makes me drive faster. When I come home Jorg is giving the boys a bath. The kitchen still smells like dinner. The house feels full. I run upstairs to cuddle my boys. I cannot imagine a richer life.

March rant

There are piles everywhere. Piles of snow. Piles of used tissues. Piles of blocks. Piles of laundry. March is coming in like a lion and I want to sleep like a lamb. Yesterday was somehow my most challenging day as a parent thus far. Nothing went the way I wanted it to. It wasn't terrifying. Nobody was injured. Everyone was safe. It was more a battle with myself. It was Susan's ideal mommy meets reality and reality knocked me out. Here it goes. The very long winded and detailed outline of my day. I wanted to go snowshoeing. I woke up with high hopes to meet the frosty and clear unscheduled day with an exciting plan. Lukas was on board. We called a friend to borrow kids snow shoes. The boys were dressed and ready by 9AM. Then Julien got tired. He had to nap.....right now! So the plan shifted and Lukas and I played outside building snow forts. This met his need but not mine. I wanted exercise. I wanted a taste of my old winter self. We then came inside. Lukas wanted to make a chocolate cake. We had company coming for dinner and so I thought this could work. This could be an adventure. So I tried to make one. In the middle of making it Julien woke up. So I thought now we are in time to go to the music together class I wanted to go to. This could be our outing. I bundled them up. Left the kitchen a disaster put the half made cake in the fridge and packed us all with snacks in the car. After finding parking, unloading and getting us inside I discovered that the class had ended. I read the times wrong. When the teacher told me it was over. I looked so distraught she offered to play us a song. This act of kindness made me cry. I tried to repress it but couldn't. I then packed the kids back in the car and rememberd that Jorg had asked me to get a shovel. Our 2 shovels had broken the day before with all the snow. He found a place that still had shovels in Essex. So with both boys in the car this seemed to be the time. On the way there I realized that I forgot my wallet at home and so I turned around to go back and get it. Parking the car in the driveway I ran inside. However, when I came back to the car Lukas said he was hungry. Looking at the clock I realized it was lunchtime. So, I unpacked the kids and got them out of snow gear and made some lunch. After lunch we had the cake to finish and the kitchen to tidy and Julien wanted to do nothing but toddle around. While attempting to finish the cake I dropped a plate and it shattered on the floor. My day was starting to feel like one of those "if you give a mouse a cookie"....or "a moose a muffin" or "a pig a pancake" books....one haphazard thing leading to another. Enough, I thought. I have to go for a walk. The boys need to nap. Let's go. I packed them into their snow suits again and went for a walk. They fell asleep and I had a few moments to collect myself. However, after about 20 minutes I had to go to the bathroom and so I went home thinking I could park the stroller in the driveway and run in to go and go back for my walk. When returning to the house I discovered that the sidewalk snow plow had come and there was a wall of snow in our way. I had no shovel and so I kicked it clear but the bumpy stroller ride woke Julien up. I brought him inside and nursed him as he was totally upset. I then carried Lukas inside and put him in the livingroom. I had yet to go to the bathroom as Julien would not be put down. Seeing some letters on the counter that I needed to mail I thought "here is something I can do". I can get that done. I put Juliens hat back on and went to the letter box across the street. When I came back Lukas had awoken and was hysterical because he had called for me and I didn't come. I cuddled him. He thought we were going to walk to Dunkin Donuts to get a munchkin and was sad to wake up and see that we didn't. I promised him that we would drive there and get him a munchkin. I could get my coffee that I still hadn't had (at 3:30PM!) and we could get the shovel. Pulling into DD I got my car stuck in the snow blocking the drive through. I had to find someone to push me out. We drove to the hardware store and got lost twice but got the shovel, came home and made dinner and was ready to eat by 6PM!! Now I have a cold. While it sounds like I am complaining I am more marveling at the wild ride that my day became. I was out of control. I kept trying to assert myself as the leader of events but I was not. I was just a passenger who kept trying to get off. I could have just stayed in Lukas' room and played with toys. I could have just done less. It was me. I wanted to do something big and the universe had other plans. What I felt most sad about was the fact that I just couldn't meet all our needs and I was coming unglued in front of my children and despertaly trying to hide it.
It is hard to be witnessed all day long. There is nowhere to hide. I can't tell them I am not in a good space to be a mom today. I don't want to unload my moodiness on them. All I wanted to do all day long was create a nice day for all of us. I wanted to take Lukas on an adventure. I wanted to toddle Julien. I wanted to make us a cake. I wanted to do so many things but nothing was working! Julien needs to nap when Lukas needs an outing and I need to simply go to the bathroom or wipe my nose or eat!!!
The story in my head was running wild with messy thoughts about my inadequacies as a mother and I couldn't turn it off. At one point Lukas went into Juliens room to get his baby. I was so worried that he would wake up Julien I snipped at him. He came out and told me that he thought Julien was awake. I could tell he really did. Lukas ran to the couch and said "I don't like it when you talk to me that way mommy." I was felt both guilty and proud at the same time. Guilty that I had been so hard on Lukas and proud that he was able to say how he felt. I asked him to come sit on my lap. I gave him a cuddle and told him that he was right. I shouldn't speak with him that way. It wasn't fair and that I really appreciate that he can tell me how he feels. I hope that if I ever do anything that makes him sad or angry or hurt that he will tell me and I will try not to do it again. Somehow, although yesterday was so hard it was also really important. There were a lot of learning moments. I learned what I can and cannot do. I faced the perfectionist in me. I heard the stories in my head. I met my edge and had no where to go but into the sensation. Just like in labor. You can't back away. You have to just ride the waves. There is no where to go. This is all there is. It is reality. It is beautiful and messy and tender. This is life.