subtle landmarks

Last week Lukas and I had a date.  I took him to the Essex Pool after dinner.  It was a hot night.  Jorg stayed home with Julien.  We went down the water slide over a dozen times.  Lukas was giddy with excitement.  Several times he exclaimed "We never do this.  We should do this more.  We used to do this a lot before Julien was born."  He seems to be learning how to identify and talk about feelings. When we left to go to the pool Julien was crying.  As I buckled Lukas into his car seat he said.  "Mama, when I see Julien sad like that it makes me feel kind of sad.  Not really sad like I am going to cry to.  I just feel a little bit sad.  That must be how you feel when you are leaving and I am crying.  Is that how you feel mama?"  It's funny, children's developmental stages are so obvious when they are babies.  They crawl and pull themselves up and learn to speak.  It becomes more subtle as they grow up.  Tonight when Jorg was bringing Lukas to bed they were playing with stuffed animals.  Lukas came across a little sheep puppet that I  used to make talk all the time when he was little.  It was a game we played often.  He loved the sheep.  He got teary and his voice broke and he said to Jorg "Mama used to make this talk when I was 2.  Oh, I'm making myself cry"  He looked really sad.   When I came back from teaching he told me about the sheep.  He was teary again.  I asked him if he was sad and he shook his head yes.  Jorg said "You are still our little boy Lukas."  I made the sheep smell his feet and hide....he has pretty dirty summer feet at the moment.
Today at the Audabon center Lukas was so excited by everything.  He was excited to make boats at the river.  He was excited that we were going to use nets to catch minnows.  He turned to his friend and said "Guess What!  Guess what!  We are going to catch minnows!  We're going to use nets!"  He jumped up and down.  His friend said "I know.  I've done that before." and walked away..  Please god, please keep apathy away from my child.  I so love his sparkling enthusiasm about everything.  He is such a joy.  He is so alive and excited and impressed my even the smallest things.  He is still so able to be his own person and have his own thoughts.  Yesterday at the park a (snotty, twerpy) kid wandered over with a pack of friends and started trying to bully them into sticking their heads in an empty display cannon.  It was a pretty gross canon with trash on the inside.  The kid, sunglasses perched high on top of his 6 year old head, said "I can put my head in that canon.  I bet you can't."  His friend said "No."   "What are you, chicken?" He responded. 
Oh man, I thought, he is six!  What is this, the early aged version of Stand by Me?  His friend succombed and stuck his head in the canon.  Meanwhile a nearby girl in the pack voluntarily stuck her head in to show her bravery.  I bit my tounge as sunglasses head approached my son.  
"Can you stick your head in the canon?"  "I don't want to.  That's gross.  There's trash in there."  Lukas said unceremoniously and walked back over to what he was doing.  "There is trash in there."  The girl said.  "Come on, let's go!" said sunglasses head...and off went the pack.
How....dear god....how do I help Lukas to keep that sense of self and confidence? 
Often I am fearful to envision who Lukas might become.  It is a mystery and I don't want to get attached.  He is just evolving...but every now and then I get a glimpse of this really interesting person, a person who I would love to spend time with, a person who could teach me things, and I want to anything and everything to protect him.

Here and Now

Julien is exploding with words.  I want to capture it all.  "1, 3, 6"  he counts as he jumps into my arms in the pool on our vacation.  "Eat you with rice mama" he says as he growls and leans in to drool on my arm.  "Kiss" he demands from everyone as he departs any location.  Ah, the power to ask for what you want and either get it or be denied.  This opens up a whole new portal of emotion.  And Lukas is grappling with how to cope with this boy who can demand the only red bowl in the cupboard, the one that he wanted and now Julien is getting the only red bowl and suddenly Lukas has to share.  The old distraction tricks don't work.  Julien can ask for things. 
I try to record things on this blog so I don't forget.  But I realize so much with Lukas now that I do forget.  I cannot for the life of me remember Lukas as he was at two years old and when I watch videos....well, it is cute and sweet but it doesn't really seem like Lukas to me.  Lukas is what he is now.  He is this moment.  He is so in the present and evolving I just cannot look or go back.  I am painfully aware of that now with Julien. I cuddle him with an odd ferocity.  I cuddle him with the knowledge that I cannot go back....not even in memory.  Perhaps this is why I don't record things as often.  Yes, I want to remember but somehow I know it will seem like distant stories about some other child.  Stories I will tell him at some point when he is older.   Stories that may even shape him.....but they will just be that...stories.  He is here and now and if I want to be with him....I better be here and now too.  But I'll still keep writing ..... because I still love the stories and I love to share.