morality

Okay, okay I broke the handle bars off the Radio Flyer bike. I should have said it earlier at the playground when it happened, but I didn’t. The other mommy was playing with her two kids far away on the swing set. So I tried to stick it back on and pretend it was just like that.
The thing is, to defend us, Lukas and I, we hardly touched it. Honestly, he put his hand on one of the handles and I tried to lift it and with hardly any pressure the handles just popped off. It looked a bit old. It was really just bad luck on our part and I was afraid that the other mommy wouldn’t believe me. That she would lecture me on how I shouldn’t touch other children’s toys. I just didn’t have it in me for a confrontation, especially when we really didn’t do anything wrong. So I rationalized it to myself. I thought, those kids are dressed so well, they have more money than us anyway. We don’t have anything like a Raido flyer bike. I convinced myself that if it fell apart so easily it must be something that happens all the time and that they know how to fix it. I figured that they would say “oh well, it broke again, it’s always doing that.” But they didn’t. Later I saw them discover the crime. They were clustered around the bike fiddling and fumbling with it's newly fragmented body. The 14 month old boy was whining to play with it and his older sister was complaining while their mommy was incredulous as to what had happened. This is when I knew that it was wrong not to have said anything. But at this point it felt too late. What could I do? Could I go over and say, “oh yeah, I meant to tell you 10 minutes ago that my son bumped that and it oddly fell to pieces….I was going to tell you….but for the time being I just propped the handles on top. Sorry but it wasn’t our fault.” No. I couldn’t say anything now. It was too late. So, I avoided eye contact. I scooped Lukas up and headed home feeling guilty and sorry and wishing I had just told her in the first place. I realized that if this were to happen a year from now I would have to come clean. I will be the example for Lukas. I will be the ethical role model. Am I ready for that? I’ll be watched and studied and copied.
I wonder if maybe every now and then we have to do the wrong thing just to remember how awful it feels. Just to stretch and reactivate our conscience a little bit. Maybe we do. So maybe it’s good that I had this little work out, got it out of my system before Lukas becomes my tiny looming shadow of morality.

weepy mommy

Lukas is almost a year old now. I know it sounds cliché and I am not naïve enough to believe that time has been flying by, but in retrospect it is all going so quickly. Maybe it is because I know that we cannot go back. As I see him change, I really get what this means and it makes me want to savor the small and tender moments that we have now. I have been a bit weepy this past week. I cry about everything. I cried when I was showing Lukas the red leaves in our yard. He seemed so interested, so excited by them. I know that he won’t always be this way. He won’t always be so totally in awe of the world. He won’t always be so willing for me to share these little things with him.
I cried when I left him with the babysitter this past Monday. I have started rehearsals for my play. I have to be gone from 3:30-10:00 every day and all day on Saturday. It is the longest I have been away from Lukas since he was born. I felt a bit silly sitting on our toy mat with the babysitter crying while I explained to Lukas that I wouldn’t be there when he went to bed but when he woke in the night I would come to him. He nuzzled into my chest and hugged me. How could I not cry?
As the leaves start to change and fall off and we close the porch up and take in the lawn furniture, I get reflective. It is hard not to think back on last year at this time, how I was waiting, sitting and waiting. How excited and nervous I was. How bleary and blurry it all was in the days after the birth. How I just sat in our blue chair and nursed him.
I would wake up in the night with him on me wondering who this little person was. I sometimes resented his constant need of me. I just can’t believe that I will be mother to a one year old. I am so glad to be here, now on this end of things. Lukas is almost a year now. He is beautiful and healthy. I truly love being with him. It feels that we are a family now. I feel so very, very grateful.