written days ago..published now...new chapters

Julien is 16 days old today. As I slowly wake up into this new life of parenting another little boy I begin the great process of reflection. Time in a chair nursing allows me this luxury. It is a luxury that I haven't had since Lukas was a small baby. I pull out the blog book that Jorg made me. I dig through old entries and it slowly sinks in that those times with Lukas....those early days of fumbling around for a new identity are over. Lukas is 3 and a half years old now. He is growing up. It isn't so long until he goes off to school. These baby and toddler years are just so fleeting and irreplacable. I stare at Julien. I am not in love with the lack of sleep or the uncertainty. When Julien was only 4 days old I opened up my blank calendar book and began writing in how old he would be each week. I got until he was about 6 months old and then started to feel it was a bit ridiculous. I look over the first three years of Lukas' life. I remember the slow unfurling into the world of mothers...how every playgroup and library and coffee shop trip was a small triumph. I remember making baby food during naps. I remember rocking the moses basket and cradle until my arm was numb. I remember the trips to Florida and going back to work. I remember doing the play with Vermont Stage and our trip to Germany. I began to balance it all. I felt able and exhilirated and yes, still exhausted. Somehow as I discover Julien I rediscover my initial journey into parenting. That journey began with Lukas. As I begin a new journey with Julien a feel a chapter of parenting has ended and a new one has begun and it is both amazing and overwhelming.

time for a new name

I suppose we will have to change the name of this blog. There is now another little boy in our house. Julien Michael Berger was born on April 14th at 10:40 PM. He was 8lbs 3oz and 21 inches long. It is a strange journey into parenting the second. I feel guilty about how much I compare him to his brother. Of course my memories of his brothers infancy are clouded by nostolgia and sleep deprevation. So much of my journey with Lukas was about simply becoming a mother. As I read my early blog entries I am aware of how I pondered and marveled over every aspect of mother hood. I felt that Lukas and I were in this together. The two of us would work out our new roles. Now that I am already a mother this journey with Julien feels quite different. I am not undergoing the massive transition that I did with Lukas. However, I am torn in a different way. I don't have the time to ponder Julien's baby dreams. I don't have hours to simply stare at him and wonder who he will become. He has to cry more as I can't tend to his needs immediately. I have to put him down more. I am preoccupied with Lukas. I am amazed that when I have moments alone with him they are so peaceful. I can't figure out why I was so stressed with Lukas. When I am with the two of them I simply have the goal that we all are fed and clean and safe....and maybe mildly entertained. Any more than that would be a miracle.
I still am afraid that I won't love him enough. I am afraid that I will love Lukas more....or that I will always wonder how it would be if I had a girl. I feel terrible saying that but they are my thoughts. I know that I have only known little Julien for two weeks and without language yet or the ability to smile or even hold my hand with intention he has a tough job winning me over. What a challenge to decend upon parents....keep them awake all night....demand 24 hour care ....and under these conditions we are introduced and we are supposed to l ove each other....don't get me wrong, I do love him. I hold him and nurse him and am in love with the soft coos that he makes in his sleep and his tiny body that is slowly unfurling. When he is sleeping I stare at him in amazement and great curiosity. I wonder who he will become. I am facinated by him. But I don't feel as precious about it all. I am not inspecting every moment. I also don't feel as afraid and nervous. It all seems to come back to me. There is a great deal of comfort in being with him and much less anxiety than the early days with Lukas. It feels like I am dropping in on an old life that I lived years ago....one that I thought was over...but here I am again...nursing in the chair with the boppy. I wake up at night. I cuddle him in. I remember this....but he is new. He is a different being....somehow I can quite understand that.
All sorts of feelings bubbling up during these first few weeks.....I take each day at a time.