Julien is One!

Julien is now one year old. I don't quite know how it happened. It has truly been such a blur. There were so many crazy hard moments. Now here I am, plunked down with this four year old boy and my little one year old son. How did I get here? I cannot imagine being back where I was a year ago. Last night Jorg and I sat up and looked through pictures and movies from the last year. I feel like I am coming out of a whirlwind....literally.....the days and hours and moments were just sweeping around me with no time for reflection...no time to bring order back to my world. I have been on a ride. However, Julien ( knock on wood) has been sleeping through the night now for a number of weeks. This alone has restored so much sanity. It is amazing to watch Julien and Lukas interact. The other day I decided to take them both to Shelburne Farms. I packed a picnic for us. It worked perfectly with Julien's naps. We walked to the farm barn. Lukas walked the entire way by himself. He collected sticks and rocks. We sat on the stone wall in the sun and ate lunch. I didn't invite a friend for us. I decided that we should go alone. We don't always need companions. We can be companions for each other. I brought both boys to see the baby lambs. Julien was totally amazed by them. Lukas wanted to play with the garden tools out by the chickens. It was warm and sunny and I sat watching Lukas dig and Julien crawl around in the dirt moving wood chips to the wheel barrow. I felt so lucky to be able to raise these two boys. I felt so grateful to have such a moment. There was no where else that I needed to be and nowhere else that I wanted to be. Somehow, miraculously, all our needs were met. What a blessed simple joy. With moments flying past me in a blur of needs and wants and tears and cuddles and curses and snacks and tip toes and whispers and sticky fingers and car seat clips and craft projects and lego men and block towers and cookies and holidays and mountains of snow....it is nice to settle into a moment like this...to slow down. I don't want to just get through it. I don't want to race around from one day to the next and land exhausted in my bed each night. I want to be here. This is life. This is the dream that I once had.

Being here

I have been a really unpleasant person today and I can't seem to stop. It all started when I tried to give both boys a bath this morning and had total chaos. I thought I would start with Julien and then he would nap while I bathed Lukas. Lukas did not want to get in and we had major battles and then Julien wanted to go back in after he was dressed and Lukas had been sufficiently bribed to get in the water and then Lukas did not want to get out and then Lukas did not want to get dressed and Julien needed to nurse and nap and blah blah blah and on and on and I got cranky. I still haven't bathed myself. Sigh. Julien is now sleeping in the car. He took a half hour nap this morning. Just as I sat down with my tea and toast he woke up. So I tried to take the boys to story time at the block gallery. Seven Days said it was at noon. I packed up lunch and packed up the boys and went. It was a misprint. The girl behind the counter feigned sympathy but I was so cranky she couldn't have much for me...or rather couldn't have enough. I thought I at least deserved a free coffee. She didn't offer. Lukas begged for a chocolate croissant which ended up being his lunch. I held a fussy Julien and tried to read stories to Lukas while Julien squirmed. I don't like this furrowed brow, edgy and impatient grown up that I have become. I am so far from the mommy I want to be sometimes that it just hurts and I feel mad at the world that I am not able to be the playful and fun super teacher, super baker, super loving mommy that I planned to be. As I slam down the same peanut butter and honey sandwich for Lukas day after day and rush around to make myself a salad while Julien cries and crawls after me I just want to call time out. It just isn't easy with two. I can't meet both their needs and my own at the same time. I just can't. Occassionally, almost by accident, it happens sometimes. Those are blessed moments. This is it though. I am doing my best. The sad thing really is that it will past and I just want to be here for it and enjoy it and sometimes life slams me so hard with responsibility that it's hard to feel all the beauty of this time. I know how precious it is. I know how fleeting it is and that is why it hurts so much to rush and race through on crazy survival mode. Sigh.....this is it. Be here. Cranks, cuddles, curious questions and irritable moments....this is it.