mothers day

Tommorow is mothers day. My mother called this evening and I realized how much this day has changed for me. I used to be the daughter preparing to celebrate her mommy. I feel so far from that. Not that I don't think of my own mother on this day and remember how important she is to me. It's just that I feel so much more a mother these days than I do a daughter. My life is about mothering and it is so full. It's almost 8PM and both boys are in bed. It's still light out...Saturday night I feel so tired from the day but it is a good tired. I did something today. Having Jorg parenting with me allowed me to give each boy some one on one time. I had a beautiful hour laying on a blanket with Lukas in the grass eating pop corn and reading chapter after chapter of a Little House on the Prarie book. Later in the afternoon I got to sit on our porch swing and cuddle and nurse Julien for ages. He was so calm. He seems to be learning that cuddles are good. I really love my family these days and I feel how day by day we become more and more a family....linked.....making each others lives so full of meaning. It's funny how I spent my 20's traveling all over the world searching for adventure and purpose and now I hardly have to leave my house to find loads of both.

boys

I feel as if I have not be adequatly documenting the life of my little Julien. His first birthday came and went I couldn't find a time to sit down and capture my reflections. His mellow disposition is forming into a feirce and focused character ready to crawl, shuffle and scream his way to what he wants....but not walk. He will not walk. For this, he wants my hand and that my dear is the great dillemma. He has begun testing us. He stares me in the eye and then drops food on the ground or puts a toy in his mouth or tries to open the trash can and then he smiles as I shake my head. He is searching for borders and boundaries. The other day at dinner I said to Lukas and Jorg "I'm afraid of this boy. He is a wild one." Lukas said " Too late now. He's here and he can't go back." "You're right Lukas." I said laughing. " I wouldn't want him to go back either. I'd miss him." "Me too." Said Lukas. "I'd miss his smile and how he laughs with me."
It is amazing to watch them play. Julien loves to chase Lukas around the table. He loves to chase Lukas everywhere. Of course Lukas does not always want to be chased. He doesn't always want to share his toys or have Julien knock his towers down or try to eat his food. In all relationships there is conflict. Last night as I watched my boys giggle and splash in the bath together I felt so grateful for these boys. It is such a gift to watch them grow....to be present. That is my work....to really be present....to take it in....all of it....even the messy, cranky, crowded, sleepy, poopy moments.....life is so full.