mommy madness

I used to be a nice person. I enjoyed interesting encounters with strangers. I had loads of time to reflect and observe. These days my abilities to observe others and interact with patience are greatly compromised. I lost it the other day with a total stranger. I am almost embarressed to write about it but the extreamity of my emotional outburst is almost comical.....and so...I have decided to share. I pulled into a parking spot at City Market only to discover that the spot was smaller than aticipated (because car on the left was oddly parked) Car on the right contained an older woman reading the newspaper with her windows down. Why she was taking a spot to read the paper in an overly crowded lot I am not sure of. Anyway, Lukas' door was next to her car. I guess you see where this is going. I squeezed out my side and opened his door carefully. He was squirming and resisting getting out. It was hot and Julien was fussing and I didn't have much patience for his games. "Come on Lukas. You need to get out now. Be careful. We don't have much...." too late. He tapped the car next to us. Notice I use the word "tap". This is important.
It truly was a tap. No mark was left. The woman looked back at us and so I said louder. "Lukas you need to come out now and be careful there isn't much space here. You have to squeeze."
Tap. He tapped it again. "Lukas, if you can't be careful you are going to need to...." Tap.
The woman turned around. "Gosh, will you stop banging my car."
I should have said sorry. I should have said that I was doing my best...that I am tired and he is 4. Instead I chose not to look at her and to say "We didn't bang your car."
"You did. I heard you."
Now I was boiling and irrational. Couldn't she see what I was doing? Where was her compassion? So I did it. I said the thing I was thinking without any measure of self control. I looked her right in the eye and said in a voice spiked with irritation. I said
"Do you have any children?"
Her response was a bit dissapointing. "Yes. I have five."
"That's great. I think that is amazing. And then maybe you might understand the situation I am in."
Now she let loose with me. "You young mothers think you are gods gift to the planet."
My jaw dropped. "What?! I do not think that. You could speak with me in a kind way.!"
I said in my most unkind and cranky voice.
"I have five children and I managed."
At this point I grabbed Lukas....who was not really interested in any of these aggressive mommy displays....or another possible disturbing thought....perhaps he is used to them.
I said to him as I crammed him back in the car. "Come on Lukas. I guess there isn't enough space for us here. Let's find another spot and muttered something else about compassion and kindness to the woman and backed out. After re-parking the car I took a breath and decided that for Lukas and for my own sense of serenity I should go and apologize to the woman. Unfortunately she was just backing out as we approached her car and I couldn't stop her because someone was waiting for her spot. Without resolution all I can hear in my head now is "You young mothers think you are gods gift to this planet." I hear my own angry voice. I realize how far I have gone over the edge of appropriate social behavior. I suddenly understand all those odd irrational adults that I encountered in my early 20s. The weird and aggressive people I waited on or allowed to sneak past me in lines at coffee shops. The people who yell out of car windows when someone absent mindedly cuts them off. Underneath they are good people. I am a good person. I just lost it. We all lose it sometimes. I have become an adult....a real adult who is so deprived of space to reflect and collect myself that I lash out. I spend my entire day with two people. I spend all my time with people who are little sociopaths. They don't know how to behave. I am supposed to teach them. I need to always be calm and patient and grown up. I can't lash out at them. So when the moment gets tense beware you strangers in the lots....at the stores....on the sidewalks....at the playground....mommy madness is not to be tangled with.

humanity

The climate is unstable. Wild thunderstorms errupting out of nowhere. Dark clouds that circle but don't drop any rain. Somehow this weather is mirroring Lukas' behavior these days. It is hard to watch. I am not sure how to respond. He is outright naughty at times, mean to Julien, spazzing out with jumping and pushing energy. He slams the door and says "bad mommy" when I tell him not to tap his brother repeatedly on the head or lock the bathroom door or leave toys everywhere or snatch things from Julien. I love him so dearly and yet I feel like he has morphed into this characture of who he was. Am I being dramatic? Probably. I just want to be with him and play with him and I know he doesn't get me at all the way he used to. I am often impatient. I have to tend to Julien. I scold him for taunting Julien and yet I understand why he is doing it. He probably figures why not be naughty.....what am I going to do about it. Before Julien we had a friendship....he didn't want to lose me as his buddy. He protected that. Now I am not playing with him much anyway and there is this new little person around hogging all my love so why not push my buttons....button pushing can me interesting. I can't let him get away with it though. And Julien....he is so sweet these days with his deliberate walk and slow curiosity. How he cuddles into my body and wiggles about. How he smiles and crawls away when I come in the room after naps. Will I forget all this? He will some day be a little boy full of his own eccentric, sweet and challenging behavior and I will find it impossible to believe that he was ever so simply adorable and pure. The other day he played in the garden while I was weeding for almost an hour. He is so content to just explore as long as I am present. Tonight I brought him to bed and sang to him and massaged him and he cuddled in and nursed and slept so peacefully. Listen to me, so in love with Julien....perhaps Lukas senses that. He hasn't been so terrible. The other day I asked him if he thought he had changed since Julien was born....perhaps a bit of a sophisticated question, but he answered that he had. I said how? Did you get bigger? He said yes but more than that. He said, "I changed because I love Julien now and he loves me." He is such a dear and I just want him to be that way all the time. I just love him so much. Oh the challenges of two. How I teeter between them trying to meet and love them both as best I can. I fear I am making some mistake with Lukas....I'm sure I am. I just want to prevent it. What if he grows up to be someone who I don't like....I will love him but what if I don't like him? What if he has a hard time at school? What if the other kids aren't nice to him? What if he lacks confidence because we somehow made a mistake? He came into this world so pure and perfect and sure of himself.....and now he is becoming human.