Now I lay me down to sleep.....

Sitting in bed next to Lukas tonight. Our bodies are tired from a big hike up to Sterling Pond. I've turned the lights out but soft low light comes through the corners of his star curtains I made him 2 years ago. I'm stroking his hair and about to sing songs when he offers me a window into his active and somewhat worried world. "I wish fires were only pretend. If a fire happens here at our house and I can't get baby out, we can find the person who made baby and ask them to make another one." "If I say something will I make it come true?" "Is that magic?" "I don't want to believe in magic. Magic is scary and kind of exciting." "How do you wake yourself up from a bad dream?" "What is that stuff we can put on the dream catcher to make it clean again so I don't have any more bad dreams?"
All these topics spin us off into a variety of conversations. The light grows dimmer and dimmer until it's dark in the room. The conversation ends with me telling Lukas that if he is worried he can pray. " Do you remember what praying is Lukas?" "No, how do I do it?"
"You can talk with God. You can tell God what you love and what you are thankful for and what you are worried about and what you hope. Some people believe that God is magic. Magic is really all those things that we can't explain....and God really helps us explain all those things that we don't understand and can't explain....God is magic. I pray when I go to bed."
I begin to pray. I thank God for all the beautiful parts of our day and ask God for help with a few things. At the end of my prayer Lukas is asleep.
At moments when our conversations turn to the greater questions of life, the mysteries, I am both deeply excited and also aware of the incredible responsibility I have to introduce this little boy to the many facets of the human experience. What is the best way to comfort? How can I be honest and help him feel safe all at the same time? I have fears. Life is scary sometimes. I don't want to paint the world as a rosy and simple place but he is only 4. So I take a breath and let my intuition help lead me through this brambly maze of questions and answers. I forget that he has all this going on. When he is being a wild little naughty hooligan I forget what a strange place the world is for him. He is still so little. There is so very much that he does not understand. This reminder helps me have compassion for him. It rejuvinates my patience. I sometimes expect too much from him. This ray of vulnerability opens a tender corner of my heart and fills me with love for him. What a gift of experience this parenting is.

turning questions inside out....

Parenting is so public. In the checkout line and my children are whining and demanding and complaining and all those around are watching. Whether they are judging how I respond or not doesn't matter. I feel watched. Sitting in the waiting room at the mechanics and my children are quietly engaged in books and toys. I open my bag and pull out the perfect assortment of healthy snacks which they readily gobble up and thank me for. It doesn't matter what those around me think. I feel watched. I make up the stories of the good mother and bad mother, the good children and the bad children. How can I make the choices that are right for my children and not consider the observers? How can I avoid putting on a show for those around me by either ignoring the behavior to avoid the conflict or scolding so that my imagined audience is satisfied or giving myself grand accolades for my well behaved little prodigies? Lukas has been challenging. Or maybe my eyes have just been opened to how far he has pushed the boundaries of acceptable behavior. He needs clear consequences. He needs follow through. He needs me to sacrifice my plans in order to teach him that he cannot get away with naughty behavior. For this I need to be extremely clear. I am not always good with clarity. I tend to see both sides of an issue. I tend to empathize with my little one. I can see why he might do what he is doing....but that doesn't justify the rightness of what he is doing. I can't just be annoyed with him. I am responsible for shaping him. If he is behaving in inappropriate ways it is my duty to help him behave better. Am I up for this? Lately I want to run away. I don't want to be out in public. I don't want to feel watched. I am not sure what to do. I need a minute to think before I respond but sometimes there just isn't time. I need to respond now....or maybe I don't. Maybe I can take that moment. Maybe I can stop Lukas and say wait.....I need a moment to decide what the next best thing to do is. Let's be quiet for a moment and think. I just miss my buddy. I fear I am losing him. I almost don't remember what it felt like when we were a team. I feel like I do nothing but say no....set limits....disappoint. He can't wait for papa to come home. He wants nothing but to be with Jorg. Falling in love with my children was the easy part....keeping them from eating small objects or falling off the stairs....but how do I help them to be respectful, responsible citizens of this world? How do I help them grow up to be people that I will want to be with and who will want to be with me?