Holding on

Tonight as I lay beside you my five year old boy I felt what a journey it has already been. My mind flashed images of the last five cycles of seasons. The first winter hot cocoa's, the snowy adventures, the quiet sick days on the couch with stories....the days when just the two of us head off to Echo and ate our snack at the little silver tables together....The summer trips to Shelburne Farms....when you first teetered upon the tractors and later when you grew to run the place with your knowledge of cheese making and cow milking. All the play dates and snack plates and tickle tag and pretend monsters chasing you around the table. All the dinner parties with friends and family. Your journey in the world paves the way for my journey as a mother. So when you hit a new phase....when you shift and change and seem confused....well, then I am confused. As you meet new challenges in your understanding of the world..I too meet new challenges in how to help you through.
Lukas loves his baby doodee....he loves his thumb....he loves quiet moments in the corner just watching and thinking and dreaming but latley he won't put his "baby" down. He seeks her out all the time. He wants her at the table when he is eating. He wanted to take her into the bath tonight. He seems to need to know where she is at all times. He has also been acting out, not listening, not making eye contact when he talks with us. Being disrespectful with his tone of voice...demanding....rude. I am so afraid, so afraid that we were given this beautiful, intelligent, perfect boy and somehow we are making mistakes that will bury that boy.
As I lay beside little Lukas tonight I felt such love, such tenderness....he wrote a story the other day...his first story called "The Adventures of Nobody" about an invisible man who lives in an invisible house that flys. He usually smiles but sometimes leaves his smile at home in a box. Naturally, being who I am I begin to analyze his story and wonder who "nobody" is and why he leaves his smile at home in a box and why Lukas wants his "baby" more and I spin myself into all sorts of reasons. The reasons are my reigns.....my desperate attempt to try to understand and control what is happening to him. Tonight as he raged in a tantrum of exhaustion and tears about one of his many wants I slowly sunk to the floor and just held him. I could literally feel his body soften into me and I imagined that he was a baby....just a baby crying who needed to be held. Sometimes that is all that is needed....all any of us need....to just be held.

control

I feel like I am spinning on this wheel of doing.....wake up and make breakfast, clean up, do laundry, empty dishwasher, dress boys, brush teeth of boys, pack bags, unpack bags.....and I never get past the surface....I am always treading water. I can't get to the projects....to the long term tasks.....to do exercise.....to anything but responding to needs and keeping chaos at bay. It wears me out. Some days I get in a little extra for me or a little extra for the house or my work.....but most days I just manage to keep us all on track. Especially as I try to homeschool now....and try to potty train Julien. I need to sit with Julien by the toilet as he attempts to master the exciting skill of pooping on the potty. I also need to sit with Lukas at the table as he tackles workbooks and projects. I used to clean the kitchen before attempting these feats. Now I hold off and clean it when Lukas is at school and Julien is napping. That means less time for work or projects or yoga or whatever. I know this time is short....and in the moment I really enjoy being with my boys. I really love watching them learn and grow and play. I feel blessed to be so much a part of it. It is just hard to find the balance and I feel like there is always something that I am not able to get to.
Today, while I took 10 minutes to do some yoga on the porch, I hung upsidedown and thought about what it felt like to be "me". What was this "me" that I was so missing. I realized that what I was really missing was the sense that I knew where I was....had the ground underneath me.....had all the balls in check....yoga, body, food, journal, reflection time, artistic ventures underway, connecting moments with friends and partners and family, connecting moments with nature. There was a time when I could stay on top of all of that. Right now it is very well possible that I am just fine....just me under all this chaos and rush and race.....but I don't have time to really check in and see. I have to just bumble along and trust that things are aligned correctly inside....and if they are not, well, they will be again. I have to really let go of control. Somehow, it feels that the biggest lesson that parenting is going to teach me is how to let go of control....to accept that I cannot and do not control everything. It's like that famous quote goes.....I think something like this...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

no bombs

Back from Florida. "Bye Bye summer." Lukas said as we flew away. "Bye Bye swimming and leaves." The plane ride was challenged by Lukas' clogged and painful ear and Julian's obsession with nursing. Julian wants to nurse all the time. I cannot pick him up without him wanting to nurse.....even if he just nursed for 15 minutes. He wants to do it again. Why? Is he hungry? Does he not know how to cuddle or soothe or slow down? Latley I am in an examining my children's behavior phase. I keep seeing how what I have done may have caused whatever challening behavior they are having...how Julian is being wild and crazy, throwing toys in the trash and trying to flush our measuring cups down the toilet because I didn't give him enough attention and he wants me to notice him or Lukas is laying around on the kitchen floor sucking his thumb because I gave him too much attention and he doesn't know how to entertain himself....or because he watched too many shows....or whatever. It's all my fault. I know this is a dangerous track of self masochism and useless flagilation....it is also somehow labeling where they are at as "bad". I know. I know. It is just so hard to feel so darn responsible all the time. It is hard to make chioces about the lives of these little people when they are still unraveling before me. I know what I would like but I still can't tell what makes sense for them. I don't totally know they yet. My friends tell me that Lukas is probably meditating on the floor, dreaming with the sages.....so why do I worry that he should be painting or doing puzzles....why do I get so invested in what he is doing. He is five! If I am invested now...if I start out this way and don't kick that one in butt how will I not be deeply invested when they grow up? I always thought I wouldn't worry what my kids grow up to be....I will be happy with whatever they do....but what if they grow up to be apathetic....don't love things with passion or feel excited about things....what if they grow up and don't feel happy or free? What if they grow up and feel bound by duty or restrained? What if they grow up and don't know how to say what they want or articulate their feelings? Please help me make the right choices for them....until they can make the choices themselves....help me decide.....their education...their activities....the location of their home....all factors in the formation of these little people....all choices I am making....and with so many emotions errupting and exploding all around me all day long it is hard to stay clear enough to make these choices.

Yesterday Lukas had a friend over and we mama's were in the living room talking when Lukas came in with a poster he had made and casually said "where can I hang my no bombs poster?" "Which room to you think needs it most?" I responded.
"The living room." He replied matter of factly.
I think he is right. Some days I wish we had no bombs posters in all the rooms. We could use a little more peace around here.