fun times

I am having fun. There, I said it. I feel like I often complain on this blog or I use it for a place to vent and let go of some of the frustrations and fears and mysteries of parenting. But the past few days, while he can be a bit exhausting, he and I have had a lot of fun. We laugh and giggle and cuddle. He asks for things clearly now. Last night as I was reading him his bed time story he closed the book and said “Mommie, sleep.” “You want to sleep?” I said. “Sleep.” He said and fell back in my arms with his thumb in his mouth. It sound so minor but for him to clearly ask me to bring him to bed….well, it is such a vast and extraordinary step to have taken in one year. How can he be such a real and separate little person so quickly? As it grows warmer out and we hit the playgrounds Lukas and I are having fun. I guess I just want to share some of the many positive and joyful aspects of being a mom. Sometimes I just feel a little guilty. If I am having fun is it really work?

joyful parenting

I realized that I sort of left any blog readers of mine with a real cliff hanger last time. Lukas is fine. We don’t know what the mystery ailment was but it was probably his teeth. So, there you go, resolution.
We spent the last week in Florida. It was beautiful and warm and Lukas dug holes in the sand and filled buckets. It was the perfect little kid at the beach picture. I made castles and butterfly drawings out of shells and Lukas chased birds and stared skeptically at the ocean. He learned at least a dozen new words this week. He says water and bird. He can say alligator! He says road and wet and bunny and his favorite new words are chips and t.v. (this gives you an idea about what his vacation was like)
It is amazing to see him grow and develop. He changes so much in just one week. But I can’t deny that it is hard to return to this home….these patterns and rhythms that are carved deep into my skin. Wake up, make Lukas’ breakfast, clean him, tidy and tidy and tidy and sweep and sweep and still he pulls things out and covers the house in kiddie clutter. By the end of the day I haven’t really done anything but try to maintain some sense of order. While he learns new words he also begins to quite clearly state his opinion. He wants up and down and to eat dates and go outside and run in the road giggling. It helps though that at least the weather is beautiful, sunny, summer like. Still I find it a bit empty to return to my life after this vacation and see again that my life is not exactly my own.
In an attempt to get out into the world, I packed Lukas up and headed off to the “joyful parenting meeting” at the UU Church. I could use some joyful parents around me this morning and so off we went bright and early. We arrived right on time ready for some cheer….but nobody showed up. There I was, one solitary not so joyful parent. Where have all the joyful parents gone? But we made the best of it. We wandered church street and drank coffee (I drank the coffee, not Lukas) and went to the library and grocery store. We visited our winter haunts and found some new summer scenes to explore.
Somehow all of this getting out with the baby and going to playgroups and everything felt novel before. Believe it or not it was exciting to see us sitting at some library listening to an aged guitarist singing “the wheels on the bus go round and round”. We were somehow completing the image of mommy and baby that I had for myself. I had the Tupperware with the cheerios. I had the extra pair of pants packed. I had the sippy cup of apple juice. I was doing the mom thing. But I think that the novelty is wearing off. It’s getting a bit old. I’m not sure what the next phase is. I know that Lukas keeps changing and that before I know it this brief time in our relationship will pass and never return. I try to remind myself of that but still….I feel who I was slipping further and further from me and it is hard to find time to explore that which I am becoming. It is just happening to me. I am changing as I am in constant relationship with another strong and fast growing person. Maybe I need to find my own mom thing...one that doesn't fill some picture. Joyful parenting isn't always found in a group or meeting. I know that.

learning to pray

Lukas is not well. Something strange the past two nights has left him writhing in pain and inconsolable on our bed. We could do nothing. We could offer him nothing but whispers of love and a promise that it is o.k. but he could feel our fear. Our fear was radiating from our shaky fingers all the way to the strained timber of our steady voices. We have been lucky so far. Lukas has been a very healthy baby. He didn’t have colic. He didn’t have too much trouble going to bed. He was always easy to soothe. We have had a strong and reliable rhythm. He went to bed and stayed asleep until morning. We got used to this. We got used to planning and believing that we have some control. Last night and again tonight we were reminded how terribly vulnerable it is to love….especially to love a child. A child not only loves and is loved but this child depends on us. It is up to us to decide what to do as Lukas goes rigid and red in the face and screams without any apparent reason. Lukas has no choice but to trust us and we are only human. We could make a mistake.
The doctor has said it may be teething, it may be food, it is hard to say what it is. It probably is a passing thing. Who knows? It could be a head ache for all we can tell. But it is hard to shake that thought, the fear that it could be something big, the fear that we could have a “sick child”. What sadness surrounds the house where a sick child lives? I don’t know how I could go on. Not only watching him in pain but also watching him want to play, try to play but not have the energy or ability. If he were really sick we would also lose the happy go lucky little child that lived in the healthy body. Lukas was not himself tonight. He could not play. He did not want to run and be chased around the table giggling. He didn’t want to hide things in our shoes or mischievously pull out the plunger for the toilet and place it in a random spot in our kitchen. He didn’t even want to sit on our laps and hear a story. He just stared and fought sleep as he surrendered to sensation. And we are helpless. Tonight after we finally got Lukas to bed I stood in our dark living room alone and looked up at the sliver moon in the sky. It was one of the first really warm spring days and people were still out on the street walking dogs and running. There was a group of teenage boys goofing off and doing tricks on their bikes in front of our house. I always assume that one day Lukas will be one of those boys. We take so much for granted. There is so much to be thankful for. There is so much that is beyond our control. We have a thousand reasons to learn to pray.