saturated

I knew that one day it would happen, but why now? I am almost 33 weeks pregnant and Lukas has stopped napping. He woke up around 7:30 this morning and now, 12 hours later, Jorg is bringing him to bed. The days are sweet and also so very, very long. Especially, as my energy just seems to escape me these days. I am having this odd issue due to blood flow challenges where I get dizzy and sometimes have blurred vision. I also feel amazingly tired. I cannot imagine seven more weeks to go and all the while the baby will get bigger and my body will cry out for more and more rest while Lukas’ body seems to cry out for less! As I was unloading the dishwasher for the millionth time this week I realized that I was humming “I will survive” and the words took on new significance. I know that women have been pregnant and birthed under circumstances that are by far more challenging. However, I long for quiet and space. This time with just me and my thoughts and the ticking clock gives me so much. I have to admit it. Sometimes I just aim to get through the day, to get to this quiet moment at the end. Is that wrong of me? I love my boy. I love our time together but I am saturated. I wake and am immediately asked to get things and pour things and listen to things and respond to things. Today Lukas asked for me to tell him a story in the car and I told him no. I told him that I needed a little quiet and space. I felt bad but ultimately I think it teaches him that he can ask for space and that he may need quiet too sometimes. He is my life these days. I love him and yet I need to remember myself. Love is such a complicated journey.

sharing

Lukas and I have been having full days. We go to the kids gym, to the pool, yesterday we took him down hill skiing for the first time. It was so amazing to see him in his sun glasses and winter gear, smiling, red cheeked, excited and happy. It is so fun to introduce him to all these joys and pleasures of life. It is so fun to share it all with him. Speaking of sharing, Lukas wanted to give me a lesson in sharing a few days ago. I was just getting out of the shower and Lukas wanted to come in the bathroom. He opened the door leaving me totally exposed to our neighbors should they look out the window at that moment. I asked him to close the door. He said “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to share my naked body with our neighbors.” I said.
“It’s my naked body.” His logical brain absorbed this and responded with “It’s not nice not to share mommy. You have to share your naked body with our neighbors.” And he opened the door and left.
This is my little boy. While moments like that are mildly annoying, they are also incredibly humorous. I love seeing the world through his eyes. I love watching him try to understand things. I love trying to explain things to him. Very often he is the one explaining things to me. There is so much for us to learn from one another.

re-birthing

Jorg and I just did acouples pre-natal yoga class together. It was amazing. It really got us connected and thinking about the birth. It reminded me of Lukas’ birth. I think what is most difficult for me is that I really love Lukas’ birth and as I look ahead to the birth of this next baby I fear that it won’t go that smoothly. Everything went so naturally and without fear. I really had very little fear. I had pain. I had massive surges pulsing through my body but somehow I always felt a sense of calm. I felt that being out of control was actually a good thing. I wasn’t supposed to do anything. I just had to ride it out. I felt really with myself and out of myself all at the same time. I had my friends and family there. Lukas was healthy and strong throughout the birth. I felt safe. I keep asking myself “what did I do to prepare?” “How can I do it again?” But I know that I need to let go of that experience. I cannot try to recreate it. Just as this child will be greatly different from Lukas and deeply precious in his own way so will the birth be a separate experience. I know that I have romanticized it. I know that it was amazingly difficult. I don’t want to go into this experience unprepared and with false expectations. And so we have less than 10 weeks (according to due dates and calendars). We have time to find ground. Ground is a little more challenging to find with my son underfoot all the time. Still, there is time and we can make space. We can start to envision what it is that we want. It is important to go in. It is important now more than ever to cultivate faith.