Evil Little Germs (side note:not a reference to my sons...

It's been a long, bleary, weary week.....and it isn't over yet. Somehow, so far, Lukas and Jorg have escaped the dreaded plague...but Julien and I are hit hard. Despite going to bed at 8 almost every night the cold still trudges on. My head is full and my ears ring and I had a mild fever earlier threatening a sinus infection....which is scary as I can't take antibiotics while nursing. I have been doing steam treatments and bought a Netti pot. I have tried various sleep positions. I am downing water and tea in buckets. It won't shake. It doesn't help that Julien was up the other night throwing up. Our doctor forbade me to nurse for 6-8 hours! This was so crazy hard. But with Jorgs help we made it through the night....I was so wired from the crying and the worry that Julien would throw up while I was asleep that I didn't sleep. Today Jorg took a half day and took Lukas sledding and skiing...which was good. I have felt for him .. cooped up with the sickies. However, yesterday I did make homemade pretzles with him while Julien took a 2 hour nap! I was proud and exhausted....and today I went out with him and tried to play in the snow but I collapsed after. When things get hard like this I just think of the labor. The work then was to simply get out of the way and let my body do what it knew how to do. It is hard to imagine the wild wars taking place on a molecular level beneath my skin right now. Every time I drink water or eat anything I imagine I am feeding the troops...shuttling out through the mud and mire to bring them much deserved reserves. When I lay down I imagine them getting a rush of energy...charging full on towards the enemy that sits in my chest....at the back of my throat...beween my eyes. It is all I can do but surrender to this unseen battle. Have patience....wait and cuddle my boys to protect them from the lurking, evil little germs.

Sick and tired

I used to be cool, you know, kind of hip, a fun person, playful.......at least, I used to think that I was like that. I toured with a theatre company. I climbed mountains. I was an unstoppable skipper. I used to just skip to release my boundless energy and enthusiasm for life. Some nights I couldn't fall asleep because I was so excited for the next day to start.
So, what happened to me? Today as I sat cranky faced in my frumpy, broken sweatshirt and dirty pants I thought I am so not fun anymore. It doesn't help that I am sick (again!) or that I haven't slept a consecutive 4 hours for eight months now. No, that doesn't help. It also doesn't help that my little love boy Lukas was being a total pain in the but this afternoon. We were just irritating each other. I'm never sure who started it. Was I cranky and irrational first or was he twerpy and annoying first? It doesn't really matter in the end. He was just trying to push my buttons. If he saw that something was bothering me he did it more. He enjoyed following me upstairs loudly when I told him I was bringing Julien to bed and he needed to stay downstairs or be quiet. He laughed when he saw how frusterated I was that Julien would not stop throwing his spoon on the floor. (O.k. I know this sounds minimal and cliche but honestly, when I am hungry and sick and my food is getting cold and my 4 year old keeps asking for another glass of milk or a new spoon or whatever and I just want to eat....that damn spoon on the floor over and over again is enough to make me want to scream...and I almost did...and Lukas thought it was hilarious...which didn't help) Honestly, I don't know why I expect him to be a helpful and socialized little citizen of our family. But I do. I get incredibly irked when he does not act like a nice person and when he does not listen and when he does not help and when he pokes me in the back with a sword 10 times saying "does this hurt or is it just annoying?" while I am trying to eat...which, by the way, earned him a time out....(weird, arbitrary, I can't think of anything else to do but I am mad at you punishment) And Julien, who desperatly needed a nap but missed his window almost fell asleep in his highchair and seems to be teething up a storm....I never believed that teething was any issue. It wasn't for Lukas and I always thought it was a catch all explanation for the unreadable universe of baby's fussiness. But Julien is upset and I think it really is his teeth. So I put him to bed dosed with Tylenol....in his own bed....which is unusual. I need to go to bed soon. It's been a long day of attempted christmas shopping and tree decorating and dinner cooking and I feel sad that I was so annoyed by my children. I want to love them. I do love them. Some days we would all be better off if I could just call in sick.

day upon day

We had a glowing few days. Things all just fell into place. We played in the snow and drank hot cocoa. Lukas and I made christmas crafts and gifts for over 2 hours yesterday! He helped all the time. It was so much fun! Lukas and Julien had their first sled ride together. I took a million pictures. I managed to make dinner. We saw friends. The days were full of simple and ordinary events and they felt sweet. But today.....somehow today did not flow quite so well. Lukas was restless and I was a bit cranky. He wanted to be on me all day if not physically then verbally. I wanted space. I wanted to just dream off a bit. I'm also so very, very tired. Julien wakes up every hour or two and wants to nurse and I can't think clearly enough to figure out what to do. I know he would sleep better if he were not in bed with me....but I can't imagine his little hand reaching out for me and finding nobody there. Somehow I would rather endure sleeplessness than the idea that he would feel alone. So night after night I respond. Isn't that what the true meaning of responsibility is? The ability to respond. Today Lukas asked me what it meant to be responsible. I was talking about growing up as we were watching the broadway version of Peter Pan and they were talking about not wanting to grow up. I told him that when you grow up you are responsible for things and some people don't want to be responsible. He said....like you are responsible for Julien and me? Yes. I said....but I like being responsible for you. I like caring for you. I do love caring for them....deeply. This love however, did not stop me from snapping at Lukas unreasonably. I scare myself when that happens...when I lose it with him. He was giggling and annoying me when I was on the phone leaving a message on an answering machine. I hate that. I just sound so distracted and spazzy and I have these wild screaming kids in the back and the idea of that message being out there attached to my identity ungrounds me. I feel like it solidifies me as the lady with the kids and it winds me up. It didn't help that Lukas was non stop tormenting Julien. He puts things on his head and tries to lay on him and giggles as he walks over him. It is so clear that he just wants to get my attention and finally he does. I just lost it. I gave him a timeout and took his baby away and snatched his toy away with such vigor I even made Julien cry. I felt so angry. It scares me in moments like that how much power I have. It scares me how I as the adult can take out my anger on him and how vulnerable he is. I am not accountable to anyone in those moments. I can be mean and cranky with him and he is powerless. I never really understood that before. This makes me want to protect him even more. The adult world is scary. Children don't always have a voice. I must be accountable to myself. I must hold in the reigns of my own emotion. I must learn to take a breath to create a safe space for my boys. However, I must also get the sleep that I deeply need. Sigh...not sleeping makes for an over emotional mommy....so I must also cut myself some slack. Somehow it feels too cliche to moan about sleep deprevation. It also feels like some sort of personal failing if I can't get my baby to sleep how I want him to. Shouldn't I teach him? Shouldn't he know how to do that by now? Am I just immobilized by exhaustion?
Sigh....I am too foggy to wind this up neatly....just wanting to record this passing time....and how one day can shine with such simple joy and the next can feel marred with snippy comments to my child and frustrated and tired whimpers from within.