striving

Julien is scooting around on his bottom to reach the knobs on the kitchen cupboards. He is dragging himself across the hardwood floors with his hands to get to distant curious objects. As I watch him bend in half, reach so far that he falls on his face, pull, drag, scoot and roll towards what he wants I am given a new insight into the purpose of ambition...the purpose of desire and the purpose of doscomfort. If he didn't want things so much that he was willing to risk discomfort in order to grow then he would never develop. This is how we humans were made. This is our natural state. Desire and Drive + willingness to fail = growth.
It is painful to watch him struggle with such determination to reach some small toy only to see him fall short and end up tipped on his tummy and face down in the floor. I so want to just lean over and give it to him or scoop him up and save him. I think of our grown up aversion to discomfort and conflict....how we naturally avoid these awkward and aching places. If only we could stay in them and not back off. If only we could reach out towards what we want without the fear of falling on our faces.....think of what we might accomplish. Julien will crawl. He will walk. He will climb and jump and talk. He will do all these things because he doesn't know how to avoid yet. He hasn't learned to be afraid of pain. I watch him and think....I have so much to learn from you my new little friend. It hurts me to watch him fall .... but I have to. Now if only I could learn to fall as well.

a few weary thoughts

I should go to bed. Every morning I swear, tonight I will go to bed super early. I never do. The lure of late night quiet always seduces me. Lukas was sick today. Last night he threw up several times. I woke up and was forced (by responsible voices in my head) to cancel our plans of going to meet friends at Echo and to The Skinny Pancake. Instead we stayed home. We played legos. We went for a long walk and met my mother for some adult companionship. I folded clothes and made dinner. Lukas managed to keep what little food he ate down. Julien ate and ate and now has his first tooth poking out.
Jorg came home from work and reminded me of the early days with our boys. How he would take Lukas for summer walks to get him to sleep at night and I would take Lukas for bike rides for some exercise. Those days of evening after dinner walks with our newborn seem like sooooo long ago. Time passes so strangley in the first year of a babys life. Some moments creep and drag and lull through lonley corners. Other times it seems to be slipping away as the clothes that he has outgrown before wearing them dissappear into boxes. I try to stay present to it. In my haze of exhaustion I memorize the tender cuddles and stash away the heart breaking and honest questions.....like when Lukas asked me the other day what would happen if I die when he is still a kid. I could only tell him that I would be sad and that I hope it doesn't happen. He asked if I would love him when I am dead. I told him that I will always love him. He asked where I would go when I die. Where does my skin go. I told him that many people choose to bury their skin but I didn't want that. He said that he didn't want that either. Strange sad and sweetly tender conversations. This job of being a mom is by far the craziest thing I have ever....ever done.

Walking

Days are tumbling by. Fall is almost over and winter will be coming. Thanksgiving is next week. Julien is seven months old now. Lukas loves playing with him, jumping around in front of him (in a somewhat spazzy manner) trying to make him laugh, putting things on his head though I constantly tell him not to, eating sweets that Julien can't have in front of him while he giggles and says "not for you Julien". Julien is patient though and unbothered and usually quite entertained. He is so good natured (except for at 3AM)
This morning I pulled out Lukas' blog book just to look through it and remember. Lukas looked at it with me and laughed and chose his favorite photos. Then he said "I don't want to look at this book anymore mommy. It makes me sad. It makes me want to be a baby again. I want to be a baby again." He said with his voice breaking up a little.
"But Lukas, babies don't get to eat sweets or run around or ride their bikes. They can't even talk or understand stories...and besides, you already were a baby. It's fun to do something new and exciting like being a four year old."
"I wan't to be a baby and have you and papa hold me like you hold babies. If I can't be a baby then I want to die." This floored me....but I didn't take it too seriously since Lukas talks a lot about dying these days so it wasn't so unusual .... but still. I responded "You don't want to die..being alive is wonderful. Come here....come sit on my lap and we can cuddle." He climbed up and was quiet. I noticed there was a real tear on his cheek. Growing up is hard for all of us. Change is never easy. I hadn't expected this outburst of reflective emotion. I was touched by his sensitivity and self awareness. I sat there cuddling my two boys.
Later that afternoon I took them both for a stroller walk. It was a gray cool November afternoon and we really didn't have any plans. Hours lay out before us until dinner with no playdates or errands on the horizon. We all seemed to need some time to zone out. Julien fell asleep and Lukas was quietly curled up on the other side of the stroller under the blanket...just sucking his thumb and dreaming off. As I walked I thought of what my yoga teacher said the other day in class. She had been walking a labrynth that she walks every day as a practice. She was walking and the words "I am walking nowhere." came into her head. I had the same thought as I wandered aimlessly along the sidewalks just waiting for Julien to wake up and killing some time...getting some space. But my yoga teacher said that shortly after her mind jumped in with another sentence. "I am walking here." And with that thought I took in my surroundings. This may not be an official labryth. In fact it is far from it. It is not a sacred stone path laid out with great intention. It is the cracked sidewalk of Winooski...littered with odd colored eccentric houses prematurley decorated for christmas. It is a gray clustered little city....but it is where I am. I am walking here. My two boys in front of me. A few odd birds calling out into the quiet streets. The moterway hums in the distance. The puddles reflect sky and skeleton tree branches. I'm a mom in the middle of the day out walking and walking and walking. Like Lukas I sometimes wish to go back...back to the familiar...back to a simpler time but this time now, this is so rich and full. This is where I am. I am walking here.

Roots

We are all sick. Julien has been waking up every hour, literally every hour, for the last 5 nights. Lukas had an asthma attack on Monday that caused him to go unresponsive. I was at home watching a friends child and had no way to get to the drug store for medicine because we didn't have enough car seats. I called neighbors and Jorg and my parents. Nobody was around. It was pouring freezing rain and I got out the double stroller and considered putting both kids in it and strapping Julien on me and pushing them up the hill to get medicine...until our great friend Jason left work and got medicine and brought it over. Thank god for friends. I ended up taking Lukas to the doctors and he was officially diagnosed with asthma. Asthma, this odd, common and somehow accepted disease. It's hard to figure out why it happens and when it happens to your child it no longer feels common or accepted. The doctor put him on steriods. I hate him being on it. I hate giving it to him. It feels like poison to me and yet I pour the sickly sugar laced substance on a spoon and give it to my boy. I hate it. Yet I have to believe that it is helping. I don't know what my options are. I don't know what else to do but to trust this doctor we have chosen. Lukas still sounds rattly in his lungs and seems sped up and somehow off. I feel sad. Things are hard right now. Jorg is busy and often not home until 6:00 or later. Julien often needs to go to bed by 6:30 or 7:00 and then Jorg goes up to bring Lukas to bed at 7:00 and I am so tired these days I go to bed as soon as Jorg comes downstairs. We don't eat together. We don't really see each other. It is dark early. The romance of parenting is wearing thin at the moment. I love these little boys dearly. I love making snacks and coming up with fun projects. I love taking walks with them. On Sunday we took a hike in the woods with Lukas and Julien and Lukas really hiked. I was so happy. But life is hard these days and I have never been so tired.
This afternoon I was soooo cranky. My mother gave Lukas a wonderful party in the morning because she wasn't able to be at his birthday. It was beautiful and thoughtful and generous. She also, however gave him a lego toy. It has 342 peices and Lukas wanted to do nothing this afternoon but put it together. I cursed it....literally. It had a thick booklet of instructions telling me which fiddly annoying peice attached to the next. While I put it together Julien needed a nap but wouldn't take it and I needed a snack and Lukas spilled his milk and Julien wanted nothing but to get to every tinee tiny chokable piece and eat them. He cried when I didn't let him. Lukas asked when the toy would be finished over and over and over again. It took me almost 2 hours!!!Sigh. It is now almost 8:00 pm I can't stop sneezing and I am ready for bed. Such is life these days....alas.
While things are hard I still somehow feel grateful. I feel grateful for my family who live nearby and are so helpful. I feel grateful for friends who are honest and open and present in our lives. I feel grateful for my boys who challenge me and fill my life with a richness so dense that it has become the soil that protects these ever growing and deeply winding strong roots.

Full

At the end of the day I run through all that I have done and am not sure how it all happened. Fed and dressed both kids...got Julien down for a nap.....made soup for dinner
(at 9:00 AM!)....my mom came to watch Julien and I went to the gym....picked up Lukas from school....made us rice and beans for lunch while Julien lay on the floor doing mock push ups....took both kids grocery shopping...Julien was awake in the cart and Lukas was running around but totally helpful and sweet....tasting apples and beans....gathering things....I decided to take a deep breath and I realized what is the worst that can happen.....big break downs....impatient moments....tantrums....tears and leaving the store.....and so what....it all changes...it keeps changing....and none of that happened anyway. We left in a very civilized manner with Lukas getting me a drink of water from the bubbler and eating his bagel. Then we came home...stopped by and voted on the way (with both kids!) Unloaded groceries....nursed...got outside and put Julien in his swing and planted bulbs with Lukas....made us popcorn and hot cider with cinnamon sticks (Lukas got them at the co-op) raked some leaves....came inside and set the table and got us all ready for dinner and when Jorg came home we ate! As we were eating dinner out of nowhere Lukas said "Mommy, Since you are so good at taking care of Julien and me when Papa is gone working and away for weeks and since you are such a good helper, you can have one of my Halloween candies. You should get my bucket down and choose one that you want." This candy is precious to him. He savors it and slowly is devouring it. The fact that he would share it with me as a reward for all that I am doing almost made me cry. I gave him a big hug and thanked him. He told me I had to wait to eat it with him. First he had to rake more leaves with papa...but it wouldn't be long...."not 78 hours mama, only (pause) 4 hours...not long."
Now the boys are in bed....it is 7:45 and I am drinking tea and spinning inside from the day....but also....it just happened....moment by moment I thought can I do this one thing....and I could and so I did....yahoo! Tommorow may be different. Each day is. That is the beauty of this time.