awkward transitions

Some day Lukas will be twelve. He will have to face the awkwardness of a shifting body and the great bumbled crossing into adulthood will begin. Thankfully that is a long way off. However, watching him move from the protected world of a boy under 5 into the social sphere of an actual kid out and about at play gives me a glimpse into that uncomfortable and self concious journey. This time now is a transition of its own.
Today was a cold and blustery day but Shana and I bundled up the boys and headed out into the park to investigate the new ice rink. Lukas and Micah loved it. They played hockey with two sticks and a puck that they found. They also met other kids who were playing on the ice. Some of these kids were not so nice in their play. But it was good to watch Lukas recognize that they were being mean. I felt so proud to watch him realize that he didn't have to play with kids if he didn't like the way they were playing. One particular boy was being rather bossy and inventing games that only he could win. He kept bending the rules and stealing the puck and hiding things.
But he needed Lukas and Micah to play and to want to play and if they didn't....well, he wasn't the boss anymore. After playing this way for awhile Lukas stopped and said in a loud, clear, matter of fact way "We don't want to play that game. You can play by yourself if you want to though." and he wandered off to look for the hockey puck. It was great to see him so unphazed. I'm not sure how much of his response was him taking a brave stand against a bully and how much of it was just a lack of awareness to what was happening. I think it was the latter more than anything. Later his same lack of social pressure and expectation caused him to display some rather embaressing behavior however. Surrounded by a swarm of skaters Lukas stopped in the middle of the ice and took off his glove and stuck his hand down the back of his pants. He caught me watching him, scrunched his face up against the sun and yelled "I'm only scratching for a second, only a second and then I'll take it out." I didn't respond. I hoped nobody had heard. I realized that allowing your child his innocence is one thing but Lukas should certainly know that scratching his butt is not an act that he should share with the world.
But he will be thirteen one day and every move and action will be layered with self conciousness....There is so much that he doesn't know. There is so much that I want to protect him from....from mean bullies and bad words and expectations to be cool and say the
"right" thing. I don't want him to join the masses ..... but I do want him to keep his hand out of his pants...at least when he's on the ice.

mother nature

It is finally cold, freezing actually. The wind blew in from the north today with such force that the clouds in the sky turned supernatural shapes and the road was a mass of swirling white snakes that twisted and turned along the gray surface. I breathe out a sigh of relief.
It has been unnaturally warm this December. We all complain when the weather turns cold. Our complaints unite us in our humanity. Our universal discomfort somehow brings us all together and gives us something to talk about. We connect through our mutual weary response to the winter. So when it never got cold, when we continued to leave the house without a hat or mittens and the shovels and ice scrapers lie dormat in corners of our houses we were somehow concerned. What if this is it? What if this is the year that winter does not come? What if we just bumble through the winter with mud and rain and spring jackets? How will the great thaw feel then? How will the summer feel? It isn't natural. It isn't how things were meant to be. It isn't what we were brought up with. What if we just complained too much and mother nature decided to listen?
There are times when Lukas asks for a chocolate or a treat or a movie and for some reason beyond his understanding and often beyond my own I just say yes. I say yes at a time when I don't usually say yes, when there is no apparent reason why I should say yes. "I can?" he asks. "Why?" I don't do too much explaining for my reasons are usually odd and convoluted. However, If I bend enough times he gets confused. He gets moody and complains and whines at most anything. He begs for more and more and more and more. Although he whines and complains to have what he wants he somehow trusts that I will say no. If we give him an entire chocolate bar (this was an experiment) he will only eat a little and then say "Is that what you would let me have mama?" "I think I am full. I think I will stop there."
He wants me to set the boundary. It's easier. I set the boundry and within that he can push and wriggle and fight as much as he like.
We want to complain about mother nature but really....we don't want her to change. When we whine about the wind chill dropping below 0 or about the snow storms in March we just want to whine. We just want to wiggle and squirm. We trust you mother nature. We know you know what is best. We are just being kids......and kids can be quite complicated creatures.

growing.....

Lukas is 5 years old. I look at him and cannot believe what a person he is. He will remember this time now. These experiences are the imprints of his childhood memories. He is a boy now. He has freckles across his nose and shoots of blonde and now brown hair. He is tall and wirey. I don't feel as free to snuggle him at will. I have to ask already and sometimes he shrugs me off. When I reflect on all the changes that have taken place to his body and mind and person in the last 5 years I am literally awe struck. I am blown away. I look at Julien. He is not even two years old and he now runs about and understand language and has clear wants and speaks words. He says "don't" and "wait" and loves his little baby kitty who he calls "mee mee".
Have I changed this much in the last 5 years? Do I continue to grow in imperceptible ways as well? I often feel that my growing is done. It certainly is not as obvious in me as it is in Lukas or Julien. However, as I look back on life before becoming a mother....who I was and how I saw the world..how I related to time....how things revolved around me and my wants and needs and how much things have shifted....I would say that I have grown as much as these boys. Growing is beautiful. It is what life is about. It is also quite hard. As we grow we shed the old. We have to let go in order to change. I watch Lukas struggle with this already. He sometimes acts as if he is younger or says he wants to be a baby again. I can feel how this raising children is a constant lesson in letting go. They just keep changing and we have to keep changing with them. I keep thinking I will settle into a rhythm but the rhythm is an evolving one and I can only keep my own steady beat beneath the explosion of sound.

christmas things.....

I come downstairs. The boys are in bed. The kitchen is so quiet. The soup is still on the stove. The dishes are done. I want to just stand here and stare....to breathe for a moment. Christmas is over and there is truly a sense of peace now. No projects to be made or letters to be written or presents to be wrapped anymore. There is some space now. Christmas passed in a dizzy flurry of unwrapped presents and dishes and friends and family and food. Lukas was happy and Julien was happy but they didn't need as much as we offered. Lukas was overwhelmed by the end of the day. He actually hid behind my parents recliner with his baby doo dee and sucked his thumb during present time. He didn't know what to do with it all and clung to the one transformer that he understood. Julien really just loved his picture book that I got for 3.99 at TJ Max and wanted to read it over and over again. Why do we do this? Why do we celebrate the birth of a "savior" of a man that was said to have lived many many years ago and performed amazing acts of healing and charity...why do we celebrate him by buying loads of unecissary stuff and stressing ourselves out about it? I know that my sentiments are not revelatory. Many people feel this way. But I am just now establishing the traditions for these new members of our world. I have some power here to mold and fashion their experiences in a more meaningful and concious way. I know what I want for my children but somehow I did it. I bought a bunch of things and was overwhelmed by them and then overwhelmed my kids with them. Why? The power of culture? The thrill of seeing their faces when they find all those wrapped packages. The desire to re-live my own christmas excitement? I don't know what it is but I find the pull of culture is stronger than ever when raising children.....so many voices offering their opinions, so many messages and us just navigating these uncharted waters day by weary day looking for answers and ideas....it gets harder and harder to hear our own voices in the mix......There are times when it takes a villiage to raise a child and then there are other times when we just have to forget the villiage, wander away from the well trodden path and find the way back to our own simple fire lit dwellings.

two gether....

Little Julien's life is slipping away and I have yet to record all the details...sweet moments....exciting milestones. I think I am waiting for a moment to reflect and ponder and find something insightful that I imagine blogworthy. The right moment to reflect never comes. Julien is almost 20 months old now. About a month ago he finally said "mama". It was as if he woke up to the idea that I was seperate from him. He has grown more cuddly and attached ever since. He gathers words slowly, practicing them with great intention. Down, Wait, Don't, No no, shoe shoe, socks. I think he has a foot fetish because he loves to bring us all our shoes and dig through the shoes and immediatly take off any socks that are put on him. He whispers "shhh" when I say anyone is sleeping. He loves books and points at the dog and says "vow vow" and snorts for the pig and moos for the cow. It is funny our obsession with teaching kids about farm animals. It is hard to find a kids book that isn't about "life on the farm". I guess it's because they naturally like farm animals. Julien loves cats and dogs and birds and squirels. He loves being outside more than anything. He loves walks down the road and doesn't want to be carried. He wants to go slowly and explore the puddles and leaves and berries and listen to the birds and watch a shadow. It is such a gift to move at his pace....to see the world through his eyes for a moment. But most of all he loves Lukas. He follows Lukas around and tries to do everything that Lukas does. He doesn't always want to cuddle with Lukas. He is a bit wary that he will be squeazed a bit to hard or bopped on the head. Lukas loves to cuddle with vigor and gusto and Julien is sometimes taken aback. Today Julien fell off the table and was bleeding and Lukas was so worried. He followed us and pushed through and said "Let me see him. I have to see him right now." Today I was talking to a friend who was considering having her second child. I immediatly without filter launched into all the horrors of being pregnant while caring for an older child...about post partum and being exhausted or sick while caring for an older child. I was definitely not painting a pretty picture. Because of this, I know that I am not just being romantic or sentimental and forgetting how hard it was at first when I say that I would never change a thing. I love watching my boys grow together. I love watching them discover each other. I love most of all that they (hopefully..god willing) will not have to go through this life alone. I cannot imagine it any other way. I cannot imagine a greater joy than having these two unfolding people share this path with me and with each other.